Lying in bed on a cold and bland winter night, I can feel the tension throughout my whole body. As I turn the TV off and rest my head on the pillow, it becomes clear that the background noise was the only thing keeping my brain in check. I can feel my heart beating faster than a Ferrari on full throttle, my palms starting to sweat profusely and my mind starting to race. My chest feels heavy and constricted and as I enter manual breathing mode, the sense of dread and impending doom is at an all time high. I start shivering and my head begins to spin like an old worn out carrousel. I feel weak and nauseous and I prop myself up on the bed trying to figure this shit out in the complete darkness of my bedroom. I turn my head just enough to notice the dim light of the digital alarm clock that shows bright red squared numbers that seem to be announcing the countdown for my departure to the abyss. Suddenly there's this one prevalent thought that seems to be winning the race :

 

I'm going to die.

 

As you can tell by the fact that I'm able to share this story with you, I never actually died that night, unfortunately. I eventually regained enough composure to turn the TV back on, and went to sleep with the Slap Chop guy flinging his sales pitch at me. The thing is, while my Ego couldn't care less if I died, my body and my brain had other plans, and this I-don't-give-a-fuck-if-I-actually-die-right-now-just-bring-it-on-you-stupid fucker attitude had, at that moment, soothed my anxiety enough to let me sleep and became the key to my salvation. Other first-time panic attack sufferers sometimes don't have the same chance. Some of them end up in the ER thinking they're going to have a heart attack or fearing they're going to explode in a ball of sizzling lava. They usually go back home the next day with a bottle of pills and a puzzled look on their face. Really, I can't blame them. That shit is scary.

But what is a panic attack really?

If you clicked on this story, chances are you might be anxious yourself, or at the very least, be acquainted with the general idea of what anxiety is. But still, time for some broscience. By definition, panic attacks are :

''Periods of intense fear or apprehension of sudden onset accompanied by bodily or cognitive symptoms (such as heart palpitations, dizziness, shortness of breath, or feelings of unreality) of variable duration from minutes to hours.''

Well, holy checklist Batman! This might sound like someone's going crazy but there's a very logical reason why these symptoms appear in the first place. There's this cute little thing called The Fight or Flight response. Basically, if you're walking in the woods and you come face to face with a 800lbs grizzly bear trying to go all Revenant on your Oscar winning ass, your brain will send signals to your body to prepare to either fight the threat, or get the hell away from it as fast and efficiently as possible by sending blood to your vital organs and oxygen to your lungs. A perfectly fine instinct in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival, we'll all agree on that. The problem comes when this response kicks in while you're watching Oprah in the comfort of your own house with your 12 years old yorkshire sitting on your lap, or at the office on a nice tuesday morning while enjoying a cup of coffee with Suzy, the annoying new clerk. Sure, some of your co-workers might make you want to hit them in the face repeatedly with a sharp object. This might also not be the best cup of instant coffee you've had in your life, or maybe just the idea of going home in the evening to your crazy wife and kids is a terror in itself, but the point is : there is no direct threat to your life in that exact moment when you perceive these sensations. So what the heck is wrong with you?

Well my friends, the subconscious is a very real thing and lots of different things can trigger anxiety. Sometimes it can be an environmental or an emotional factor, like obsessive negative thoughts, an argument with a co-worker, a fight or a bad case of road rage. Some other times you just can't tell. The amygdala, this set of small, almond-shaped clusters of nuclei near the base of your brain is the main culprit. These little boogers are the most active when you experience fear or aggression, due to the fact that they are responsible for triggering the body’s fight or flight response. So what I'm trying to say is : anxiety is a chain reaction. First there's the catalyst, however irrational it may seem to be, then the amygdala reacts to the trigger and the pesky sensations come rushing in. In people who experience bouts of anxiety, the amygdala seems to be very reactive and anxiety levels tend to go back to normal levels alot slower.

So how do you stop these reactions?

Well, this might sound a little stupid, but the best way to stop a panic attack dead in its track is by doing nothing. Yes, you heard me right. This might sound completely counter-intuitive and wrong, but carrying on with whatever task you have at hand, and not accomodating these sensations when they arise is the best way to get over a panic attack or prevent one in the first place. It might sound easier said than done, but with enough practice, and the core belief that anxiety is not dangerous and will not harm or kill you, you eventually get there. Forget about all your little mantras, your breathing techniques, thinking happy thoughts or petting your cat, it just won't cut it long term. Acknowledging the sensations but letting go and not attaching any negative thoughts to them is a tested and proven method, and most cognitive behavioral therapists will agree and suggest the same, only they will charge 120$ an hour for their time. It is also the core foundation of meditation. Once again : anxiety cannot physically harm you, it is your overactive brain and your body trying to save your ass in a time and place where you are not in any real danger. If you give in to the sensations and start to panic, you accomodate your anxiety by reinforcing the patterns. You give it a purpose. That is the first and most important step in getting a grip on your anxiety problems. Stop accomodating that shit and let the sensations pass.

Exposing Yourself

Once you've got a grasp on your sensations and no longer fear panic attacks, you need to expose yourself to the world again, to things you've been evading and start living life again like a normal human being. For a lot anxiety sufferers, the main two fears are having a heart attack and going crazy. Personally, for a while and at the height of my anxiety problems, I completely stopped exercising, and stopped doing anything that would make my heart beat fast. I stopped drinking coffee, and would not go to any place where I felt I couldn't escape quickly. I needed an emergency exit at all time in case something went wrong. I felt alienated. My life was miserable as I was accomodating my anxiety so much that it was slowly creeping up on me and making me a prisoner of my own mind. One night, as I was walking back home after getting out of work from a night shift, I felt terribly depressed and anxious, and as thoughts of despair and suicide came rushing through my head, I decided I'd had enough, I was either going to get over this crap or die trying.

So I said fuck it and started running.

I must've ran for 5 or 6 kilometers straight that night before coming back to my appartment sweating like a fat kid, with my heart pounding through my chest and big goofy smile on my face. The overwhelming sensation of overcoming my fear was filling my whole body with joy and endorphins. It felt like I won the lottery.

From that moment on, and still to this day, I keep fighting my anxiety. I no longer get panic attacks, and the anxiety sensations, if ever they come, are usually pretty short lived as I let them pass through my mind like clouds on a sunny day. There's some good days and there's bad days, but I'm still winning small battles and doing things I never thought I would be doing 5 years ago. I'm still a very obsessive person by nature. As a matter of fact, after posting this story, I came back and edited it approximately 28 times. I always put this huge amount of pressure on myself to be perfect at all cost, I probably need to cut myself some slack and accept things for what they are. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather stay in bed and watch movies, not having to fight any of this, but I tell myself I need to get out there and face life like a man. As the saying goes : ''Every man dies, but not every man really lives''.

Anxiety is trying to kill me, but I'm still standing.