Suicidal Thoughts

I used this house picture because my biggest dream is to build my own house. I think about suicide more often then not as of late, i cant seem to decide if its because im a coward or its because i feel that i need to have control over how i leave this earth, Truth be told my life has been really shit, i could write a book about the depth of shittyness my life has been, whenever im happy its only for a short period of time and then life happens. Im not looking for sympathy for this post, im not even expecting anybody to read it, this is just me putting some of my thoughts on paper and taking it out, therapy per se. In a way im numb to pain, ive been hurt so much that i have developed "i dont give a fuck" type mentality, cards arent dealt in my favour, they never have been, i also sometimes make bad decision so i guess its partly my fault, but do you blame me? anyway this is just an intro, i will write about this topic everyday until next week friday, then friday night i plan to drink pain killers and commit suicide.