Smollett Attack Sound Plausible?

in #life5 years ago (edited)

Recently the star of Fox's show Empire, Jussie Smollett claimed, "he was attacked by two people who were yelling racial and homophobic slurs, and who Smollett said shouted the phrase “MAGA country.” At some point, according to police, they also poured an unknown substance on him, believed to be bleach, and forced a rope around his neck.", according to Associated Press.

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Google Maps screen grab of the Streeterville neighborhood in Chicago. Nothing indicates lurking "MAGA country" screaming rednecks, quite like an upscale metro area with a butt-ton of lake view condos in Chicago.

Right off the bat, who is going to yell "MAGA country!" in Chicago? Much less we are talking about the Streeterville area of Chicago at 2AM! Wouldn't people be yelling "Obama Country!" in this neighborhood at 2am? And by the way, he described them as rednecks. So, were the rednecks in town for cattle barons ball or a monster truck and tractor pull? Smollett's story gets more ridiculous. He apparently initially reported the story with a rope around his neck from his own apartment with his agent present. Nothing suspicious there! No way Smollett and his agent got together and concocted a story about rope-wielding MAGA rednecks terrorizing gay men in Chicago, right? And of course, the pièce de résistance, he also claims the rednecks poured bleach on him. So were rednecks looking for an all-night laundromat in the Streeterville neighborhood?

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Google Maps Street View screen grab of the Streeterville neighborhood in Chicago where Smollett claims to have been attacked. This street view shows a rainbow neon light in the window of the Second Story Bar. And as we know, the rainbow is a symbol of gay pride. So, the story that "rednecks" attacked Smollett becomes more implausible unless you consider there might be a group of rednecks who patrol Chicago waiting, in the shadows, for any D-List celebrity they can find. What kind of rednecks are in Chicago at 2am on the Tuesday night? Is it a kind of "Batman" redneck thing where they have utility belts with rope and bleach on them waiting to pounce on anyone who seems even a bit flamboyant?

Contrary to popular belief, rednecks are generally pretty smart people. And as such, we can assume rednecks would also have a GPS in their 92' Trans Am, they keep in the barn for special trips. But the contradiction here is why would rednecks travel into Chicago? Everyone knows Chicago has strict gun laws. And any GPS giving directions through Chicago would be re-routed by said rednecks with guns.

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Most likely, the rednecks who patrol the streets of Chicago looking for conspicuously gay and liberal people travel in beat up old Trans Ams.

The best part about all this is that Chicago Police Spokesman, Anthony Guglielmi later tweeted a photo that showed some "persons of interest" in Smollett's alleged attack. And as you can see in the image, these two dark figures do not show enough visual information to indicate they are rednecks. Hell from this angle and the lighting, they could be Turkish Gurkas, a WRC Rally Driver and Co-Driver, (Damn Frenchmen!), or even a couple of Dungeons & Dragons Geeks going home after an eight hour orc stomping bender.

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And really could a Chicago Police Spokesman have a better name than Anthony Guglielmi? Holy crap! Based on Smollett's generalizations about "rednecks" shouting "MAGA country!" and attacking him with rope and bleach, I wonder if he later contacted Officer Guglielmi and asked him to send up a pizza!

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Google Maps Street View screen grab from the Streeterville Neighborhood in Chicago where Smollett probably thinks Anthony Guglielmi can get him a discount. Hey Smollett, did you remember to ask Anthony Guglielmi to bring you a pizza? And are you sure you didn't get attacked by Irish guys? You know Irish guys are always drunk and they like to fight, right?

And just when you didn't think Smollett's story could become more implausible the Italian-American Chicago Spokesmans Anthony Guglielmi released this statement. “We haven’t seen anybody, at this point, matching the description he [Smollett] gave. Nobody looks menacing, and we didn’t find a container anywhere.". The "container" refers to the container of mystery liquid thought to be bleach that Smollett reported was thrown on him in the Streeterville, Chicago neighborhood at 2am on a Tuesday evening, (technically Wednesday? Or was it a "Monday" night and it was technically Tuesday during the attack? The article is not clear on that point. Hmm, must be more MAGA fueled hatred trying to foul up the timeline of events! Confound you redneck AP reporters!).

My take is that Smollett made it all up after he unsuccessfully attempted to pick up a date. And, angry at the world, he lashed out at the one thing keeping him from stabbing an ass that night. And of course what kept him from getting laid was Donald Trump. No way he turned people off with his overt arrogance, mamsy-pamsy demeanor, or Janey-complainie personality. I mean, Smollett stars on a Fox show with an increasingly diminishing fan base and is being rumored as canceled. So why would a D-List celebrity draw attention to himself over a supposed attack by fuming MAGA rednecks? Would an actor in a boarder-line canceled show hedge his bets and try to create a national news outrage over MAGA, thus endearing himself with the raging Anti-Trump feeding frenzy that is Hollywood? And knowing Smollett's agent was at his apartment when he called in this "attack", are we to assume there is no way such a person would ever use a media sensation to promote his client, thus securing dividends for himself in the future? No way! And by the way Guglielmi, Smollett wants extra cheese on the pizza!

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Yep, that's me in the mask.

Sources - AP News: Police Release Photos of Persons of Interest. Jan 30, 2019.

The Anthony Cumia Show, with Dave Landau - Jan 31, 2019.

That's Dave Landau to the left of Ann Coulter. Dave is sporting a mohawk haircut. Maybe one day he can be lead singer for my punk rock band Blister Chicken.


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