Whining child: Do’s and Do Not's
Whining
My little girl is now 3 and a half years old. Generally, she is a very charming young girl. Full of life, enjoying her childhood very much. We, the parents are thoroughly enjoying the joys of raising her up. It is a memorable journey indeed. Only, the entire story is not as pleasant. We have been facing many obstacles and challenges. She used to throw tantrums, not want to get asleep or waking up in the middle of the night and so on. But the most annoying tendency she developed recently is her habit of whining. Seemingly, she has complaints about everything and she hardly hesitate to express her dissatisfaction.
It has become a habit out of her and all efforts to control it seem to be futile. I have collected all my medical knowledge and training, review some literatures about child development and of course do some internet research (nowadays, it has become such a commonplace to search everything in the internet). I have come up with some ideas and understandings about the do’s and don’ts about whining.
Why whining
You may think you are raising your child in the best possible way. She should not have any complain about what she is getting. But the child may think otherwise. Why whining? The answer lies within two basic emotional needs of human being – attention and power. The kids are attention seeker. Whining occurs when they feel alone, abandoned and powerless. They will continue to whine until they get positive attention. Children continue a behaviour if that yield results. If you give in her demand of an extra scoop of ice-cream or something like that, she may think this is the way she can get her things. But that’s not the only matter, there is a flip side of the coin. If you respond with reprimand like “STOP” or yelling at her, she may think this is way to seek your attention. Whining may continue till her teen years.
Good Parenting
How to avoid Whining
There is no steadfast rule you can use to stop whining. Several strategies are suggested by Developmental psychologists:
1. Refuse to let the whining bother you: You should tell your child over a lunch or snacks that you are not happy with her whining habit. Tell her if she does the same the next day, you will not respond, will just walk way. Stay true to your words and walkway when she whines. This will remove the payoff for putting whining
2. Stay cheerful and connect with your child emotionally: Irrespective of your fulfilling her demand, stay cheerful all the time and connect with her emotionally. Reassure her that you are always there and listening to her.
3. Teach your child to ask nicely: Shouting at your child doesn’t help. You should explain her the difference between her whinny voice and nice voice. You can demonstrate this by playing back her recordings of both whining and nice conversation. Try to teach her appropriate words to express her demand, frustration, hunger or boredom. Demonstrate them what is right.
4. Praise her when she deserves that: Be positive. Don’t react only to point out her wrongdoings. Praise her when she is behaving rightly. Encourage her by saying “I am loving this”.
5. Have Patience: Don’t give up too quickly. It may take some time before she begins to behave properly. Just hang in there. If you don’t help your child to practice right behaviour and effective methods of communication her whining may become worse or may even affect her future relationships.
4 steps to stop whining
I have got assistance from Manual of Child Development, Kids folio, Parents.com, Good Parenting and Nelson's Textbook of Paediatrics.
Impressive post.
Yeah I used to whine a lot ... But then again I had Indian parents .. Got the whining beaten out of me :)
Lol!
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You're right about #5. It takes AGES to cure the whining habit. One thing I commonly say is, "I can't understand you when you use your whining voice. Please use your nice voice." And of course I don't do the thing until they ask with their nice voices.
Y-your kids don't get #TRIGGERED when you say that?
Most kids I see who get told that get pissed off, as they feel they're getting talked down to, and just get mad as and sometimes even more fussy.
My cure to whining has always been to
give in immediately.explain to them why I can't/won't and ask if that's okay, or to simply give them what they want before they whine if it's healthy and reasonable.Never had a single whine yet :)
My kids don't get triggered because they already know that the answer will always be "no" as long as they are whining. Respectful communication goes both ways: I ask them nicely for things, and they are expected to do the same in return.
While in theory your idea sounds great, with real kids (especially young toddlers or preschoolers) it doesn't work, because it sends mixed messages to to them. Initially, you are setting a limit, by stating that you cannot or will not do something, and then you are asking them whether it is okay. When you ask them if it's okay, this tells them that they have a choice in the matter, when in fact, they do not (because you've already decided that you can't/won't do the thing) . When you ask, "is that okay?" they will invariably respond with "no," because young children are ruled by emotion rather than reason, due to their still developing prefrontal cortexes, and then you're in a bind because on one hand you have just told them a limit, and on the other hand you have opened the door for that limit not to be upheld. It's a recipe for a giant tantrum!
It's easy to have never had a single whine when you don't have kids of your own yet ;-) If you ever do, by the time they're 2-3 years old, you will look back at this conversation and have a good laugh :) I have been there.
The triggering doesn't come from thinking it will work, it comes from not giving a fuck and thinking you were a rude kunt. Kids have feelings too, and unless you're joking around and being silly about it telling them to use (X) voice is condescending and rude.
If I told you that as a fellow adult, you'rd get fucking triggered too, especially if I was your boss and you "had" to obey me.
As an adult you may be able to control yourself, or maybe you don't and me being your boss I throw the book at you and tell you you're fired or I refuse to comply with your simple request.
The majority of the kids I'm around are toddlers and in the multi-thousand of hours I've spent with them in the last few years I've never had one whine or fit/tantrum, despite their parents saying they did so earlier to them or that they do it a lot.
What sends them mixed messages in my opinion is telling them to behave proper and respectful, then responding ugly to them when they're "being ugly" or "not using the right voice." Especially because with that lesson being so then they will likely reflect it back onto you if you are being ugly to them (in their opinion).
They do have a choice; I never force a child to do anything. If they say it's not okay, then I'm happy to explain, provide other options, or if they have a good reason, give it to them. Kids aren't irrational agents of doom, even as toddlers. They'll listen to reason and try to find a solution with you if you let them, and best of all, when you do this they understand that when you say something you aren't just doing it to fuck with them because you're the adult/caregiver, which means they trust you (genuinely) and cause less problems overall.
If you force a child, or more-so, take away their voice, that's a recipe for a tantrum as they feel unheard and potentially unloved or misunderstood in the moment. Furthermore, it promotes whining, which is why you seem to have to be firm with your stance, as they have no line of communication, but rather just a demand by the adult.
Sorry but just because you took semen into your vagina and waited 9 months that doesn't mean you're right or have experienced more than I have with young kids. It's easy to not have a single whine, tantrum, fit, etc when you treat kids basically as equals and with respect rather than being condescending like you were here, to me.
The sad thing is I've never heard a parent say that any other time than when they are being defensive and trying to weasel their way out of something, and that's pretty much always because they're either a bad parent or know they have no real justification for their actions.
I'd hope the former isn't the case.
^Is this an example of how you treat people with respect?
People who aren't respectful do not deserve respect, and despite responding non-aggressively you responded in a condescending rude manor.
You don't deserve sugar-coating or praise simply because you birthed some semen and raised it.
Respect is given in the beginning out of good faith, and lost if you show you're not worthy of respect.
Sorry you can't see kids as equals and think you have the right to bad-mouth them and force them to comply. Hopefully your kids learn to stand up to you in the future.
You're trying hard to upset me by being rude and disrespectful, but I've read your back story, and I understand where your anger comes from.
If and when you're ready to debate these ideas respectfully, I'll be here. If not, I bid you the best.
I'm ready anytime, I just am not going to be friendly if all you do it criticize what I say with baseless things about me not have a blood-child. I provided my argument already in between that, but rather than responding you decided to simply mock again and say I was being disrespectful when you were originally the one being disrespectful.
If you want to be respectful I will be, but otherwise I guess we won't be going anywhere here.