Thinking out loud.
I apologise in advance, it’s just that I’m having a moment here and am mostly thinking out loud (isn’t that what blogging is anyway?)
I have been feeling the burden of my financial troubles recently, and wondering if this is just how life is going to be for myself and my family - perhaps I should just accept it and just focus on teaching my sons as best as I can to be more responsible with money (even teach them to save) and how not to fall into debt as I have done.
Looking back, I realise that I have spent my entire adult life in debt. This has become my norm, and I have had brief moments of relief after a couple of acting gigs, but those were always short-lived and offered me a glimpse into how life could be.
My financial troubles are entirely my own doing, in the past I was very much of the mindset, “you only live once”, “enjoy life, now’, and, “fuck it, you can’t take any of it to the grave.” However, now that I am older, wiser (I hope), and a mother, I feel so embarrassed about how irresponsible I have been in the past, and so ashamed about my current situation.
If I could go back in time knowing what I know now, I would do things so differently, but for now, I do the things that people in my situation shouldn’t do; I take out those payday loans, using debt to get out of debt (but sinking further into it), I do the lottery, I buy the odd scratch card, and I daydream about having financial freedom.
What would I be doing differently if I was financially free?
I daydream about this all the time... How would this happen? A winning lottery ticket, or an amazing job opportunity? Where would we live? What would life be like?...
I wouldn’t be employed, for one. I’d have my own business with the freedom to write to my heart’s content, whilst still having time for my family. I’d also like to think that I would volunteer more, whether it be for charity or for local places like my children’s school. I’d definitely spend more time with my friends! I believe that we would actually take a family vacation at least once a year, to travel with my loved ones (especially my kids) is something that I would really love to do. We’d live in a bigger place than we are in now, with a garden and a cat or a dog (or both).
I could go on and on and on, as I often do when I am lying in bed at night, but those are the things that always come up.
You know what? Even just listing that stuff has made me feel better - even if it’s not my current reality.
I’m doing as much as I can now to gain control of my finances and not repeat the same mistakes again. However, I must also remind myself to always keep myself open to miracles - anything could happen, and not necessarily in the way that you might expect it to.
Thanks for stopping by x
(Picture taken from PikTex app)