The Smoke Filled Sunset

I’m on a bus to Los Angeles from Las Vegas. This will be a continuation to Heart on Sleeve.

My struggles continue as we’ve built and conceptualized new UX and decentralized incentivized encrypted relays... allowing any commerce in a robust way. The only single point of failure will be our domain name... but you can still run our dApp from your computer.

Then we all witnessed a 25% price collapse. We have yet to book a paying client for our consultancy(though in talks). My friend who was going to pay me back had her dog break a leg. As a result I’m several hundred dollars short of losing my storage unit. For those not aware of my situation I’m effectively living out of a suitcase at my dear friends house. I had started the year with roughly $10k and 4K in steem. With the price action for the alt coin markets and my meager living expenses. I’m down to loosing all my possessions in this storage unit. Nearly all my memories, and nearly all my art. Even the amount of steem we’ve raised for dlux hasn’t covered my initial investment losses.

But that’s not why I’m on a bus to Los Angeles.

After my last blog post I sent a link of it to the woman of my dreams. As I’ve stated I’ve been trying to balance my continued inspiration to her autonomy. Quite simply I love her too much to want to change her. But the choice I have? I’m changed by her, or at least my perception of her.

She didn’t respond as I expected.

I got to spend some time with my friend @azuremoon.
She asked: “Why is it so hard to get over this girl?”
I replied: “Have you ever dozed off with something on the stove? When you wake up you snap up with the sudden realization that the most important thing at that moment is the stove, your food, your home... quite possibly everything you’ve lived for was suddenly in danger. Well, every time I wake up I have to listen to her tell me not to give up on her, and I have that same sense of drive to give my attention to the things that matter most.”

She has been the inspiration not just for dlux, the software that allows any human to earn money by making other people’s lives better. She inspired me to quit harder drugs, cut back on weed, quit smoking, change my habits, be proud and confident of who I am and my place in the world.

About a week went by and she posted a painting of her own.

An absolutely breathtaking work with a moth as a mask for a blue skinned women. The color of enlightenment and creation.

It’s caption read: “How do you react to your fears/immediate threats? Why do you react in that manner? Tell me. Sometime I put on a show—a persona—or maybe I’ll close my eyes and wait for the bad thing to pass. There have also been times my defensiveness has turned in to aggression. Can you relate? I want to think about reactions, because fear is natural but how we react makes us who we are and can make us stronger individuals.”

Her inspirations for the piece was “Masks” by Shel Silverstein and the Antheraea Polyphemus moth.

I was so moved by this piece that I used the account I messaged her from before to reply to her piece:

“I’ve usually been calm and collected when faced with physical dangers. From car accidents, to fighting fires, to representing myself in court. However, I fear a great deal when it comes to perceptions of emotions; sometimes I’ll literally be shaking and tell people I’m feeling cold, or walk around a block before a meeting... I’ll try to approach a situation with empathy and honesty; anxiety and low self esteem are far too common; somehow we all think we are the only one. This piece as well as the change it’s meant to effect is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.”

I was already planning on coming to the gallery opening with this piece, one other of hers, as well as the two more of her, one of them I’ve blogged about. I told myself I’ll book a bus ticket if she doesn’t block my account.

The next morning I wake up and check. She’s edited her post probably for a spelling error but didn’t block me. So I purchased my ticket.

I spent yesterday writing code but my friend @azuremoon called again. I went out and met up with her. Went to her boyfriends house... and talked a bit. When she asked if anything had changed I showed her I replied to her last post. We noticed she had liked all the other comments on her painting except mine.

I said that would probably seem rude to anybody who looked at that list of comments and wondered why the most heart felt one was ignored. But I assured myself that a like wasn’t the way she’d want to break her silence toward me.

Today I woke up with an even more intense dream. I brushed it off as the coming anxiety. Right before I try get a ride to the bus station I check my Instagram again... this time however I’ve been blocked.

I’m sitting on a couch facing all my fears at once. I’ve told her if she blocked me on that account I wouldn’t try working with her gallery any longer. However, since then I very publicly stated I’d hold space for her until she released me with her gaze.

I’m already further from home than the bus station. Nobody will wake up to give me a ride. Let alone talk this through. I have to choose right now to go to a bus station or home.

I want to run. I want to go home and pound my head on the keyboard some more until the brilliance escaping from the cracks illuminates a path forward.

But I simply can’t run away. I can’t expect the same thing I’ve been doing for months to suddenly change my situation. To pay to keep my memories. To change my headspace... to allow me to keep my word.

I feel I’m in this position because I was scared to love again... at least scared to show it. Now that I have, it can probably only be taken as overwhelming.

Everything has lead me here. Where my drive and determination has birthed remarkable results. Beating hundred million dollar projects to market; and beating them all with fee-less incentives. All from a love I discovered within me.

The things in my storage unit were important to me but I also knew going in to this that I’d likely wind up in jail like so many of my predecessors. From Julian Assange, to Ross Ulbrict, to Cody Wilson. Doing the right thing and living a truth that can be shared with humanity at large has very powerful opposition.

Ultimately I’m the only person who can change the way I feel. My reality is my own to make. I simply can not accept a future where I failed to live up to my word.

One of the hardest lessons to learn is to not be attached to outcomes. Nickolas Tesla, Leonardo Divinci, Van Gogh... all died penniless. I’ve also learned in the past year that I’ll never be without a home. My friends from all over the country have opened their homes to me; I’m forever grateful for this experience and what it has taught me and continues to teach me. (Not to mention I could just work for somebody else)

I strongly believe we are here to experience emotion. All the fancy things we can do to entertain and placate us have had a deleterious effect on our society. The world over less people are together and more people are succumbing to social anxieties. The birth rate has collapsed and people aren’t as happy despite the ease at which their apparent desires are filled.

Part of this pain will be carried with me forever, as long as I have the memory it will shape my nature. The same with the love I’ve found.

So I’m headed to Los Angeles with a prayer as the sun sets over this smoke filled valley and a chapter of my life.

I don’t know what to expect when I turn the page... but I’m happy I found the confidence to walk into this situation. Maybe this time I won’t need to walk around the block before going in.

I hope to bring you all good news. Even if she can convince me to move on; this trip will have been a success.