Being positive is a skill

Inspiration Point

Every once in awhile I write a comment that looks like an article to me. I have in the past, adapted long comments into articles and posted them as standalone articles with good results. Usually, this arises when someone writes an article that is so inspiring that I have to respond in long form.

So it was that @rok-sivante wrote Sometimes.... To wit:

Sometimes the whole "positivity" train has run its course, and the prize to be claimed lies in accepting the "negative."

It's a great article about how hard it can be to stay positive. I happened upon it quite by chance and just could not resist responding with a long comment which you can find here.

In this article (the one you're reading now) I am modifying that comment to elaborate on some of the points from the original comment and article. I feel compelled to write this new post because I think it is helpful for people to understand that being positive is a skill. And that skill leads to resilience. From resilience, we find the means to be positive, most if not all the time.

Comment refreshed

So after a few good nights of sleep, I'd like to refresh that comment...

The article that I commented on was about control and just how hard it is to be positive all the time. While you are reading this article, be mindful that nothing that I say here should be construed as criticism of the inspiration for it. I agree with @rok-sivante, and thank you for your inspiration, too, and as I considered that article, I felt that the nugget of same was here:

Control over life slipping away, as finding out just how futile our attempts were to start with - and there are forces at play whose surrendering to could bring us far greater riches and fulfillment than what we'd have directed ourselves towards in our youthful immaturity.

The moment we can eliminate any illusion of control, well, that's the moment when we can and do surrender to those forces that can bring far greater prosperity than our own wits and will are capable of bringing. I have long considered this prospect and have become comfortable with the notion that my tiny little brain is simply no match for the universe.

Long ago, I took improvisation classes on a whim, as a way to get out of isolation, and out of the house. One of the first rules of improvisation is to never say "no" on stage. I kind of live my life like that now. I just go with it, whatever it may be, and with intent to avoid injury or damage to other people or property, to the greatest extent possible. I work hard to err on the side of peace.

I can't say that I'm rich, but I have prospered from holding this attitude.

Now I'm not all Pollyanna, either. But I recognize that when negatively comes up for me, it is a sign that I lack the skills to cope with the demands of my environment. People tend to go negative when their positive coping skills fail or come up short for the circumstance. When I see people get really negative, I know it's due to a lack of skills to cope.

Since also I know we don't have much control over life, one of those skills that I've cultivated and nurtured is faith. Now I'm not talking about religious faith. I'm talking about a definition of faith I got from Alan Watts, author of, The Wisdom of Insecurity:

Belief clings where faith lets go.

For a more detailed explanation of that kind of faith, go here. I equate belief with expectations, so I have worked hard to reduce the number of beliefs I must hold to be sane and whatever is left is reserved to faith, a sort of reservation of judgment, a trusting that everything will be OK. So far, it's been working well for me.

I can't say if this attitude will work well for others, but that article by @rok-sivante inspired me to share this perspective on the topic of control. I like to frame the topic in the context of skills because for me, that perspective gives me hope and makes faith - as a reservation of judgment - possible.

Faith is not belief, it is judgment reserved

It is this reservation of judgment that allows me to be positive most of the time. I have tried predicting the future with my beliefs and expectations and I can assure you that the results were not pretty. After so many cuts, bruises, failures and disappointments, I have come to a place where being agnostic is the safest thing I can do.

I am agnostic. Not just about God. I'm agnostic about everything. The less I believe the fewer expectations I have. The fewer expectations I have, the less disappointments I suffer. The fewer disappointments I suffer, the happier I am.

All of this leads to resilience. With fewer expectations, I have greater resilience to failure and disappointment. With low to zero expectations, then there is always hope that things will improve. I have been and still am learning how to focus on the possibilities. I look at the people who have greater wealth, happiness and what have you, not with envy, but with hope. Hope that that could be me.

Nothing lasts forever, even negativity

Resilience trumps negativity every time. Negativity results from an assumption of permanence, as if nothing will ever change. Kids are unhappy sometimes because they believe that the conditions that they cannot cope with are permanent. When kids use the word forever, they really mean it.

Adults often carry this "forever" perspective from childhood, as if they've never really resolved the issue that caused them to suffer. With a "forever" attitude, then one begins to believe that "bad things happen to me" and they take life personally. They begin to believe that "bad things happen to me because of me". And if bad things happen to me because of me, and I'm bad, then there is nothing I can do to change my life. Bad things will continue to happen to me.

But what would happen if we showed kids that happiness in life is a matter of skill, not identity? What would happen if we showed ourselves as adults, that happiness in life is a matter of skill, not identity? So often we identify with what happens to us and take life personally. This, I think, can be a fatal mistake. Many people commit suicide because they believe that what happened to them is about them.

There is nothing personal about a bad day

Sometimes when we go negative, and we find it really hard to stay positive, we say we are having a bad day. I don't say that a day was bad. To say that "I had a bad day" is to take the day personally. It is to assume that the day was out to get me and got me. Rather, I say that I had a challenging day.

Once I say that I had a challenging day, there is no judgement about the day, or about me. I can simply say that I lacked the skills to cope with the demands of the day to my own satisfaction. Not somebody else's satisfaction, mine.

Another reason I hold this perspective is that when I say that someone else was the cause of my bad day, well, I just gave that person a great deal of power. I'd rather keep that power to myself and take responsibility for my part in the day. That means acceptance, and once I have acceptance, I can better decide what to do next because the act of making that decision doesn't depend on other people. It's all on me.

At this point, I'm free to ask for help. And most times I do. But since I have not made any judgement about myself, judgement that could lead to self-inflicted shame, I am free to ask for help. I am free to admit that I need to learn more coping skills.

Everything we do in life requires skill. The moment that we say that "the gods did not smile upon us", is the moment that we give up that power of accepting the limits of our will and wits. Now consider the possibility of a life where being positive has more to do with your skills than your identity. If being positive is a skill, then we're not "bad". We just lack the skills to be positive, or even to be happy.

I would rather find being positive or happy as a skill than dependent upon some supernatural power or other people, places or things. This isn't to say that I'm the master of my own fate. This is to say that it's up to me to decide how to respond to what is before me at any given moment in time.

But even if a supernatural power could grant me what I wanted, I would still be free to make a choice to be happy (or just positive) with the gifts I receive. I might even lack the skills to be positive or experience any joy about those gifts. You know, like a girl who spends 20 minutes opening presents on Christmas Day and after unwrapping the last gift says, "Is that it?"

Being positive is a skill, and that kind of skill can lead to happiness. Try it on and see if that works for you.