Uncertain Times

I might be moving into uncharted waters but the feeling is still familiar. The feeling is quite the same. It's not really the first time I've dealt with uncertainty. I dealt with uncertainties during childhood as I'd seen my loved ones taken from me one by one. I was deprived of stability and normal life. I only knew a life that nothing ever remained. I didn't know if I will get a job or not. I didn't know if I'm going to stay in a job or not. When I was on the road, there were many times that I didn't know where to go or where to sleep. Now I don't know for how long I'll still be with my friends and family. I just got used to uncertainty because I don't see any other alternative. I guess I was made this way, and I don't know how to do it otherwise.

Your brain is wired to certainty, it is normal to seek stability. These days I try to convince myself again, like my own spiritual mantra, that there are no guarantees in this life. Nothing lasts. This too shall pass. No matter how much you crave the surest thing, there will always be one thing that was not, could not have been, anticipated.

Last night I was tossing around in bed all night thinking what have I done again. Why am I giving everything that I've got, almost all my resources without any certainty that I will still be able to pay my rent or put something on the table? Will I still be able to afford cat food? There's only one thing I'm certain of, my undying confidence in this idea, and most important, my unwavering persistence. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel scared or anything. Deep down, I know it will work. It has to work. I will do everything to make it work for I am connected to a higher purpose. I know the idea needs to be there in the world.

I look back and see how uncertain times have tried and tested me in the past. I went against the society's norms and lived. I like to push myself to the limit until something breaks. I'm being tried right now if I will break. It just can't happen, not now. At this point, there should be nothing I couldn't handle anymore. The only difference between my days on the road and the present moment is that I have a roof over my head now, however, everything is still uncertain. What will happen next? Will I make it or break it? There's even no time to be lonely. No time for unnecessary feelings.

I believe in my idea and I never doubted it, not even for a single second since the day I started working on it. My instinct is pushing me more as I make every dream-related work every day, for every fearless giant step I take. This journey has truly been an emotional rollercoaster ride.

Perhaps I am really crazy as they say. You have to be a little bit crazy and diabolic to be able to single-handedly start a thing. There were people who doubted me especially in this town where it is easier to sympathize with other people's sufferings than their successes. I learned to only surround myself with people who believe in me. I just don't have the time to go out of my way to look for them anymore so I'm stuck being on my own lately. I have different standards now and I'd rather not waste my time to collect 'more'. However, I still find myself toggling between not being stuck on my own or being with others, both can still be disappointing. I heard loneliness can be deadlier than 35 packs of cigarettes. Nowadays, I just try to focus on doing the things that I love to forget about the reality of lingering emptiness.

Whatever I say, one of the things that I love is coping with uncertainty. Those who are planning to venture into the unknown should first make friends with it. If you feel stuck, then there's no choice but to make uncertainty your good friend. Open yourself up to a more unknown and bigger space to see what's out there. Get out of the comfort zone in exchange for a greater reward, whether spiritual or financial. When you've reached a point in your life that you're done with participating in the society and all the norm, you'll either press continue or quit and start all over. When you hit rock bottom, perhaps it's time to go all in and do your own thing. If you don't face the uncertainty and take the plunge now, you'll probably never would, and you'd be always wondering what could have happened.