The Cost of Ambition

I wrote yesterday about this profound moment I had when I was alone in my hotel room. That sudden shock I felt when I left a place and the people in it. It has been a long time since I've had that kind of weird feeling. Perhaps it's just one of those days when I'm suddenly getting sucked into the existential vacuum. The thing is I've stopped traveling for a while and I'm used to my own routine and being on my own now. But I guess it was still nice to have those deep emotions revisiting and allowing me to reflect on the past and my own life. Those feelings make me human. I was the one who came in and out of other people's lives and it just made me realize what I was really lacking. I never really belong. It is as if everything is just a passing show, but that's just life right?

I found this quote the other day which perfectly fits my life right now. The only reason that I'm alone in that moment is ambition. Ambition is a funny thing. A lot of these things are true to me and I can still add a lot to the checklist. I can't relate to people anymore probably because they don't understand the way I live. And for that, there's a lack of deeper connection. There will be lots of acquaintances but very few trusted friends. I've learned that most will doubt everything I do but that's just people. Where I am, even the word "ambitious" is usually used to mock someone. Someone who aims too high and thinks highly of himself or herself. And here, that's a bad thing, you have to level your nose with everyone else. People are used to whatever there is and I'm in a society where the focus is not really the "Self". If it's just intent, it's mockable. It's rare because people don't really believe that someone can do everything on his own. Intent means very little and I really have to prove myself through actions. Only until then people can shut up about me. Most people secretly or overtly want me to fail. And for that, I cope with the lack of meaningful connections by grinding more and just focusing on achievement. This sounds familiar in modern societies and this is how it feels.

I look back and realize how a lot of things have changed. Isn't it surreal that a simple moment can bring me a lot of realizations about my choices in life? I could have not been alone right now. I could have been with someone I dearly love. I could have been enjoying some time with friends in one place. I could have had a stable job and living an all-too-comfortable and all-too-secured life. But, I've let go of everything all in the name of ambition. I followed my own adventurous path to see whatever there was out there for me. I took the hero's journey. And so, here I am. Nothing grand though, just being Me.

Now do I regret everything? Absolutely not. I am what I am right now because I know exactly what I want. But, I knew what I was getting into right from the start. I felt like I had signed a disclaimer saying that if I am willing to take on it... everything will pay me back 100 times over, but, there will be consequences to my life choices. The price of ambition is high, the sacrifices are high. If the focus becomes the Self, the cost would be too high.

However, never in my entire life have I had such a strong purpose and belief in everything that I'm doing. For the first time, I'm in control of my own path despite the challenges along the way. For the first time, it's all worth it. It's all worth the hard work, sacrifices, and disappointments. To see something that I really work hard for slowly comes into fruition gives me a deeper sense of fulfillment. A sense of meaning. I am going in one direction and I can tell that I really like where I'm headed. I no longer have to live my life by default.

I know there's still a lot to improve in Me. I am not yet successful and I am still on that road. But I know that success can be quite addicting. It can also be dangerous for it will never be enough. As I get more out of this life, I will also find more ways to cope with the emptiness. I've accepted that I will do most things alone and at some point, I will find myself questioning my own existence. Questioning the point in all of this. I know that the price would be that I might die inside. I am aware of what possibly could happen but I know, there's only one cure...

^{img src}