Save The Living

Is man merely a mistake of God's? Or God merely a mistake of man?
― Friedrich Nietzsche

My uncle who works in a church told me that the minister will come down to hold a funeral service for my mum. It has been a long time since there was a death in the family and I really have no idea about anything. When I was a kid, I just attend the funeral service and didn't have to worry about the realities that come with death. The adults took care of all the expenses. All I had to do back then was to grieve and be present. Now as an adult, I realized that I was unprepared for all the things I have to deal with, including the need for a funeral service. I have not been a fan of organized religion for a long time but I respect my family's chosen belief and tradition.

The minister didn't come down to the city even after making the commitment to my uncle. Secretly, I was feeling mad. This is just one of the many reasons I do not like religion. Aside from its power to separate people, break relationships, disown children, scare people, kill the innocent, divide people, and cause war. When I've decided that I am no longer part of the church and that I'm adult enough to freely think on my own, I lost some friends. It can be hard when you live in a country where people ask what your religion is before your name. You have to hide your newfound freedom in order not to get stoned or persecuted in public. You just can't arrogantly flaunt your lack of religious belief in a die-hard religious country. You can choose to have or lack of, a religious belief but still behave like everyone else in order to survive.

I guess the only thing I miss about the church is my times with my grandmother and mum. I subtly expressed my disappointment about the minister's lack of sense of responsibility as I did not want to disappoint my mum's brother. One thing I hate the most is when someone cannot keep his or her word. It says a lot about the person. The expected minister did not have the initiative to inform us that he would not be able to come for whatever reason. Good thing there were not many visitors at that time, but my sister insisted that we still hold a funeral service. She said that it didn't seem right without one. We found another minister closer to the area who was willing to make the prayer service or something. But again, I was also disappointed.

I thought funeral service is supposed to be a way of saying goodbye to someone who has sadly passed away. This is when we get the chance to say the things we want to say in front of everyone or share our thoughts about the passing. And I know that for some people out there, prayer would not make any sense anymore. We don't know if the person is still hearing us or the spirit is still roaming above the ceiling and looking down on us. Looking down on us for choosing to continue this painful existence.

I knew the reason the minister was there, it was to save our lost souls. Deep down, even though my mum could not hear him anymore, I would still like for him to offer some farewell words or something. Any words that will make us feel a little bit better. But instead, he focused more on saving the living, that we accept whatever we need to accept so we can be in the right place after death, also called heaven. Excuse the word, but I did not appreciate the marketing part or the need to convert people so we could attend his church. I knew that was the goal. I wanted to scream to tell him what I know but I just didn't of course, out of respect and politeness. I wanted to tell him that this brief event is not about converting people but it's more for my mother and remaining loved ones. So I was just there listening. It was like when I was a kid, I used the whole boring sermon time to just imagine and let my thoughts roam while staring at the fancy chandeliers. It takes a great deal of life experience and courage to block these ideas that I no longer fall for the same trick. I no longer let some deluded individual to have total control over my life. The idea of existence is absurd enough for me, and I don't want to confuse myself even more by accepting unproven ideas. I think religion was just created due to fear of death.

I don't usually write about religion because it is what makes sane and intelligent people irrational. It is such a sensitive and trollable topic these days that people would even kill or die for it. But I must admit that lack of religion, belief or any kind of spirituality in your life can be difficult. It's hard to cope with death. It makes you feel utterly lost and confused. It's like accepting ourselves going back to nothingness in the end. All I know is that we don't know anything for sure. But the limits of my mind is what makes me think that there is something infinite out there.