Friends and Freedom

Perhaps I can say that I'm also responsible for not keeping at least 5 really good friends in life. At least that's what they say, you got to have at least 5 friends in life. I don't really know how true that is, for me, that's a lot to keep. It is already hard to maintain one good friend in my comfortable bubble. Starting over or making new ones is even harder. It is not easy to keep an open mind as I get older, that's the thing. I might be just as intricate as I was when I was younger but I've changed. Big time. My mind evolved into a maze. There's my diminishing taste for humanity and dwindling hope in seeing any goodness in there. It must be due to gradually waking up as I climb the mountain of life experiences. There are days when I think that the world is not such a bad place though.

How did this happen that I'm almost friendless? Believe it or not, I'm not completely diabolic nor an abominable breathing creature, yet. I can attribute the doom and gloom of aloneness either to my chosen lifestyle or to just being me. It could be the curse of both too.

In my childhood, I didn't really have a permanent residence or a place I can call home. When my dad passed away, we moved around a lot, to escape the loneliness of the all-too-familiar. I learned that it must be the way to get by, to continuously move and leave everything behind. To go away and never come back. To treat everything just as a passing show.

During my teenage years, I learned to stay put for a while, out of necessity. I had a lot of friends. Best days of my life. It felt like home. Those rebellious times when friends were family as they were more there for me. Then life happened. Everyone has different priorities now, people change too. Big time. I am still here, stuck in my dreams. Fearlessly following the road wherever it takes me. Uncertainty, that's the only kind of life I know. Forever chasing rainbows and sunset. Always moving, never returning.

I went to see the world. Being in strange places I've never been to while looking for people who might not have moved on with their lives yet, still not trapped in the responsibilities and the all-too-seriousness of life. I've met new friends and realized that they are everywhere too. Just out there, looking for you. Looking for me.

I understand why most of my friends are all too worried about not getting married and having kids. They didn't want to end up alone, it could be a sad thing too. They treat children as an investment, that's what you get in a country that still works backward. It makes me think that even having a family is motivated by self-interest. People just don't want to end up alone in this world.

It's an understandable thing that I will lose friends at some point, not that they hate me or something, we have just outgrown each other. All I can do now is to lower my expectations to ease the pain of existence. There are times I question the validity of those relationships. Are we all just lying to be there for each other? I know that just because I walked with someone for some time does not mean I need to walk with them forever. I am just grateful for that period of time that we were friends. Just grateful.

I remember it was different when I was younger, solitude was a pain. I wanted to belong. I wanted some validation. I wanted to escape the corners and stop living in other characters. I wanted to be out there too you know. Now as an adult, I am back where I used to be. I have the pleasure of silence with an open book, as I read, stare into space and back, tucked into the safety of the corners again, away from the rest of the world. Without a care.

In the beginning, it was hard to accept the reality of disappearing friends. They haven't really disappeared though, I know they are still there, life is just different nowadays. This digital age makes it acceptable to create more excuses not to meet in person anymore. We are under the illusion that we are still connected, but really, we are not anymore.

When tragedy strikes, I find it hard to look for someone to talk to. I don't want to force sympathy out of my friends. I don't want to take comfort in knowing that they have a slight concern for me still. Gone were the days of neediness. I do need help sometimes, but what can a human do? If I am to live not according to anyone's expectations, to live my life according to my terms, then I have to know how to still help myself even when I'm helpless.

The rise of the self-help and yoga movement makes it even harder to keep friends these days. When you are inconvenient, don't expect superior friends to be around anymore. People preach about ditching miserable friends and just letting them help themselves. Let go of the so-called infectious negativity of others. They want us to be fair-weather friends instead.

The reality is that we live and grow. We evolve. Our journeys become different. The time will come when your road will veer slightly to the left. The time will come when you decide that you'll follow your own life direction this time around, not according to your friends, to your partner, to your family or to the society's direction. They will carry on straight, while you choose another way. It isn't good or bad, that's just life. It might be a lonely road to choose but that's just the price of freedom. Be grateful if you have someone who will help you with the burden of that freedom. Just be grateful.

As for me, I'd be happier to merge that freedom with another soul. In the meantime, I'll continue enjoying the beauty of this life, whether deliciously alone in the corner with an open book or courageously out there with fellow free human beings. Everything is fluid and nothing remains the same. That's just life. All I know is that the few ones who can remain spectacular by my side are worth fighting for, always.