Finding Beauty in Chaos

All of a sudden, I don't have time for everything. I don't even have time to sleep. I remember a couple of weeks ago, my life was running smoothly. I had a well-designed routine to keep me motivated. I was feeling more relaxed. I woke up feeling well-rested. I drank my coffee slowly. I wrote for Steemit with fresh thoughts to start the day. I was eating proper healthy meals and there was some stock of cat food for Feliz (my cat). I had time to read. I went to sleep early. I had time to do other things. Now there's this big sudden change in my life. I thought I was doing relatively well, developed one good habit after another. My life seems pretty full.

I'm working hard on my business day and night that some of my habit efforts get sidetracked. I am too motivated to make everything work perfectly. Now I'm starting to lose all my good habits. I used to cook healthy food. I used to cycle every day. I used to read a lot. I used to get plenty of sleep. I used to make Feliz happy. Now I have this strange feeling that I might burn out soon. Worse, I'm feeling the urge to drink more alcohol to cope with all the stress and isolation.

This is why I said that starting your own business is not all it's cracked up to be. If you are on you're own, you are expected to do everything. I can't afford to bring anyone on board, yet. I just need to do everything. However, no matter how much I prioritize important things, I end up feeling overwhelmed again. A big chunk of my time is spent on writing. Don't get me wrong, I love to immerse myself in my writing. I love that time flies when I'm writing. Steemit is my hobby, a special repository of my disordered thoughts. I run to mother Steemit when I'm not feeling well. I just need to get things off my chest. Steemit is the best part of my routine. I know I'm quite obsessed. It is different when I have to write for my own website. Things need to be in order and it takes more time. Now I feel like there's just not enough time for everything else when I factor in chores, eating, and showering, etc!

I feel like everything is a mess at the moment. I want to find the right order for everything that I'm trying to fit into my life. I definitely don't want to sacrifice my own physical and mental health. If things don't feel like they're in perfect order, it's causing me great stress and anxiety.

It's like being out of my comfort zone but I should have seen this coming. I have to restructure my habits and manage my time wisely. I know it is possible to still consistently write for Steemit, eat healthily, read voraciously, exercise regularly and work on my business incessantly.

I think it is fine to achieve but I don't have to beat myself up. This is quite the problem of a perfectionist. I want everything in order otherwise I will feel defeated. The desire for order, consistency, and perfection in the face of chaos is the cause of my own anxiety, stress, and disappointment with myself.

Disorder and chaos are normal in this journey. At some point, I should learn how to find a new rhythm instead of getting all stressed out. Instead of getting overwhelmed by all the things that I have to do. Perhaps I just need to accept and relax into it. I just need to let things flow naturally and eventually, everything will fall into place.

Things are always in transition. There will always be new things. New opportunities. This is what makes my life more exciting. There will be disorder along the way. Perhaps I should consider it as a thing of beauty? Just like how nature is a beautiful chaos. It's not all straight lines and smoothness. It consists of disorder and some random growth, blooming and flowing in different directions.

And maybe, my own chaos is a beauty too. My sleeplessness, my disordered thoughts, and my randomness. Maybe my chaos means I am trying something new in this life. And maybe I should start seeing the beauty in my own disorder. Instead of struggling and holding tightly to the basket of my ideals, I can relax my grip and just breathe. I should start losing my hold on how I wish things are and just be in the middle of this beautiful chaos in a relaxed open awareness.