Dear Steemy,

Recently my relationship has been strained and there has been some awkward tensions. We've been together for some years now and we're very close, we share almost everything like computers and Netflix. Well, he signed into messages on my mac recently and never signed out, so I've been receiving all his text communication. The good news is he isn't cheating on me, but the bad news is that he's been talking to some close friends and expressing doubts about our relationship. He hasn't said it outright, but that's the impression I get from his concerns about me not wanting a family.

I come from a rough home, and I never wanted to put a child through that kind of pain, but do I have to reconsider or lose him? I don't want him to think I've been snooping, I wouldn't do that. Now I don't know how to bring it up and I feel awful like I read his diary. What do you think?

Thanks,
Snoopy By Mistake

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Dear Snoopy,

Being in, and maintaining, a relationship is hard work. If you think about it, as individual human beings, we consciously choose to share much of our space, time, and energy with those we choose to live with. The reward is the rich human interaction that is life, but the grind can be tricky. When we mix in our own personal issues from our past, we run the risk of leveraging our future to protect a past self that no longer exists.

Reasonable Expectation of Privacy

When we share our space, there are details that get left out of the romantic movies. We open ourselves to be being seen in the morning before we have a chance to freshen up, to sorting each other's mail and discovering each other's tendencies. This process is a curious one, and the love we feel for our partners makes us ever more curious. You shouldn't feel too guilty for reading those messages, but a little guilt would definitely be appropriate. If you had left your messages open on his machine, do you think he could resist getting a glimpse of your private mind? Now if you're opening his mail and keeping detailed tabs on him, then we need to have a different conversation. These situations will crop up, inevitably, and gently reminding him to log off of his messages when he uses your computer so that you can stay signed in will give him a hint that he's leaving his texts open to you. Continuing to read his texts, though, will only cause you anxiety, creating monsters where none really exists.

To BrEed or not to BrEed

You've uncovered some big information, Snoopy. Now you know, without a doubt, that your partner wants children. The cat is out of the proverbial bag, now, and it's going to be hard for you to ignore. You need to center and find a way that is comfortable for you and will let you broach this sensitive subject. A lot of reflection is required for this.

I would caution you against measuring your future against your past, since many people seem to want to improve throughout life. You may or may not realize it, but your difficult childhood can be a source of strength in your life, if you allow it. Who better to be a guardian for a developing human than someone who understands how hard life can be? The strength that was forced onto you can be filtered through you to the next generation, and without any violence.

On the other hand, if you are dead set against having children, then you need to respect your choice as well as the desires of your partner. If this is a crossroads for your relationship, it's better that it happens now and not in a future where you may resent each other.

Basically, it's going to be a difficult but worthwhile conversation. I wish you strength.

Letting Go of Fear, Holding Onto Love

If it makes you feel better, it's a good sign that you feel awful for potentially snooping on your mate. It shows that you do want to respect his privacy, even if you did take a peek. Remember, when we care about something or someone very deeply, we are liable to behave in all sorts of unexpected ways. Don't make it a habit and I think you'll be just fine. You may want to include your feelings about having seen his private messages, it could open up a channel for further discussion about the important conversation you two clearly need to have.

Good Luck Snoopy,
Steemy

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Hi Steemit,

I'm Steemy, and this is Dear Steemy. The above is a real life situation that I've adapted for this anonymous blog about the real issues we talk about. This series of confessions comes from my long history of being entrusted with the secrets of others, a heavy weight that I hope to lift a little by sharing it here with the Steemit community.

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Until I start to receive submissions from the community, I will share these current secrets that rest heavy on my heart. I hope you find comfort and personal value in this blog. I am so happy to be here.

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