365 Days That Count - Day 53 - Just like Stella, I'll get my groove back!

I've fallen into a bit of a slump. I struggled with depression as a teenager and have done a lot of work since then to understand myself well enough to manage it. But every now and again I find myself back here.

What is a slump? Well I suppose it depends on the person.

For me it feels like I've lost my footing and fallen into a hole. I catch myself going through the motions without really being present. It's like I've got lost in the fog and gone into a sort of auto pilot to get through the day.

A friend of mine refers to it as waking up with a fat man on your chest and I understand where she's coming from, you feel a sort of heaviness both physically and emotionally.

I'm not sure how I got here, I can intellectualise it and understand the factors that have contributed but I don't know exactly when or why I slipped.

What I do know is that this blog is only 53 days old and in that time SO much has happened, I can't slow things down and I don't quite feel ready.

I'm desperate to feel more excited about life than I do scared. I want so much more than I have but I find it hard to get past the fear and take the steps necessary to get it. This has been the theme of a few posts recently and there's clearly a reason for that. I know what I need to do, now I just need to do it.

I realise that fear has become the quick sand I'm stuck in and the only way to free myself is to let it go.

I am surrounded by people but I'm not really letting them in. I've spent too much time alone with my thoughts and it has left me isolated. Solitude can be positive and I think it's important to be able to be alone but like everything there's a balance.

The only way out of the quick sand is to take the hands that reach for you. Struggling alone just gets you more stuck.

I must remember that I've done this before, much more than this and I can do it again.

I've started over, over and over again and always managed to come out better than I was before. I know this road. I've pulled myself up from rock bottom and never gone back.

I'm definitely not feeling my best, but I am far from my worst and I have to hold on to that.

So what do I do?

Well what I'm doing right now is a very good start. Recognising where you are and being brave enough to acknowledge and own it is a hugely important step.

I'm holding myself accountable for my happiness and forcing myself to stay positive and as long as I do that I'll soon be on the other side of this and stronger for it.

You can not go around your feelings, the only way out is through them and right now I'm up to my waist, but that's okay, I'm proud of myself for being vulnerable and letting people in, that's what I have to do.

Today WILL be a good day!

Love,

Daisy xx

( @daisyd )