I Cannot Sleep On My Side Anymore Because Of My Backbone Changed Yet Again

It's Different Now With My Body In A Bad Way

I tried to sleep on my side, now it is really difficult because it is painful and I am helpless about it until I get my necessary surgery to help stop the malformation of my backbones as it had gone into an S-shaped form already which is why it is also terrible to walk with a crooked spine.

Add to my demise my aching feet joints plus what I am afraid of was also my hip joints which is also aching themselves. If my hip joints give way then I am up to a very excruciating life where I think even sitting around is painful so I will be now have to carried around by whom? by my father? and still suffer a traumatic pain anyways?

If Only I Can End It Fast But It Is Forbidden

That is what I am afraid about and I am actually tasting it right now. I couldn't be more careful but with a slow lingering death like this who will not be rocked by their foundations? I will soon capitulate and I just hope that it will not take months. I just pray to God to take my spirit away already because I do not deserve this kind of torturous life.

I am just thankful that I had met my parents, my siblings, former friends, current friends online and offline, nature, having the experience of school but not sports. All of these things around no matter what they are, it is just nice to taste life.

I also hope that in the afterlife even though I am just a guard or a toilet cleaner in heaven at least I am in heaven and I would rather be like that than spend a day of my life like this being tortured both physically and mentally and I have no clue if I would even last longer, if I do not then it is awesome even though I will not be able to accomplish my plans I just want my death to be as quick as possible.

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