I Am Just Worried Period

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I kept on wondering why would my BP crash considering that I did took a large amount of Caffeine already? Now should I level-up the dosage or just keep it like that? I have no more options now and just have the power of prayer to save me from getting a bad dialysis session.

If this just continues then I will never get a good session in the future which would lead to an elevation of creatinine which will definitely make me sicker and nauseatic which would make my nurses mellow-down my dialysis which will further make me sicker.

I am just getting a good session now because of my intervention with all that waiver thing that I do everytime I would go for my dialysis and even with such waiver I am not the one has the last laugh anyway like what happened today as I should be drawn out with 3.8 Kg of fluids from my system but the nurse just made it 3.6 but I left the dialysis center .3 heavier.

But because my BP went down considerably again the more reason that they will not follow what I have written in my waiver. But the real issue is my falling BP considering that I have taken a BP-raising drug that is none other than Caffeine and energy drinks.

They Raise The Legs When BP Starts To Fall Down

I am more than scared than worried because I might graduate soon and you will never take that from me because with this worsening pain that I have plus weakness that is extraordinary my days will not only get numbered but will also fast-forwarded too.

It is just bad because I still have a lot of plans to do for my family and of course for myself despite of having this condition I still have a lot of ambition. We only have once shot in life and a shorter one too so I just want to use my remaining life as colorful, productive, and happy as I could yet the latter really has no clear possibility of ever happening anytime soon unless God would give me another miracle.

Now I just received the news that one of my neighbor patients just passed-away, we are usually side-by-side during my schedule but she didn't arrive only to greet me with a news that she is no more already. Sometimes the nurses would attend the wake of deceased patients depending if they like the patient or not. That is the thing I noticed about my nurses, they truly have favoritism among their patients especially those that gave them favors in the past.

Anyway I know that my time would come soon, what I am praying to God is to never let me know that I am dying or make it swiftly done if possible, maybe to die in my sleep is what I prefer because I just don't want to be aware and suffer a lingering death first because they is my number one worry since the beginning.