You Can Never Go Back

Recently I’ve been having dreams of my past failures and mistakes I made. They replay over and over again, forcing me to think what I could have done differently. I usually wake up disheartened because I don’t know the answer. In hindsight there were things I could have done differently or better, but at the time my emotions told me to do something else. I find that nagging feeling of regret follow me around like a shadow, growing larger by the day with no hope of solace. I feel as if my mind is telling me to learn from my mistakes and yet at the same time I feel as if I never do. Im not old enough to have many regrets, but the ones I do have are making me slowly realize you can never go back.

It’s a sobering feeling to realize that all the fond memories and moments I have experienced in the past will slowly disappear with time. They live within me, but the small details are slowly evaporating from my mind. The best and worst memories in my life are slowly becoming neutralized with time. There are benefits but also negatives to this. The emotions that haunt me no longer have a hold on me, but the ones that motivate me to more forward no longer do so. People often gawk at the prices people will pay for old toys or video games, but what they fail to realize is they are paying for a memory not an item. They are paying to, for one second, go back to that moment in time where they felt the happiest with no responsibilities or cares in the world. To them, this brief moment could be worth a fortune.

I have found for me the best way to avoid being stuck in the past is to keep moving forward and creating new memories. However, I never know what memories my subconscious will take and place as the most important. Even now some of my best memories are just sitting staying home from school and running around in World Of Warcraft. A moment in time with little significance, but to me it means everything. The person I was, the online friends I had, the relationships that I made, got me through my high school years. At this point I don’t remember their names or their faces, but I remember the moments we had together. The memories I am making today hold no significance anywhere near this. Maybe in another 20 years my fondest memories will be writing articles on Steemit, who knows.

The human brain is unimaginably complex and sometimes unbearably cruel. Part of what makes us human is our existential nature, but slowly realizing your life is ending one moment at a time is terrifying. The thought of dying and accomplishing nothing is what keeps me up at night. If happiness is the point of life, why am I wasting life pursuing something that wont bring me happiness? I want more than anything to start over and live my life the way you hear great men did, but I cant go back. The only way is to start living that way starting today, but something is holding me back. I cant muster the courage to do the things I want to.

When I see a beautiful girl I don’t think “wow shes beautiful I want to have sex with her”, I think “If I approach her how would this change my life”. Such a simple action could change the complete outcome of my future without even knowing it. What if we end up getting married, having children and spending the rest of our life together? Its maddening to think how there are an infinite amount of results that can come from just one day of our lives. I think about the example of when I was placed in college housing, my best friends and future friend group lived across the floor from me. What would have happened if I was placed in the other 35 buildings my school has? One little change of a computer algorithm would have changed my college life completely.

I know much of this article probably doesn’t make much sense to many of you, its mostly me just rambling and talking out what I am currently feeling. But if I could give advice to any of you reading, its don’t let today simply go by without doing something that could change your life. This could be just going to a group meeting or a performance you would never usually go to. Make new memories and learn from the mistakes I have made because no matter how much you want to , you can never go back.

-Calaber24p