Are You Good With Your In-Laws?

In-laws: the usual punch lines in marriage jokes everywhere. Oftentimes, they are portrayed as the villains in love stories. Fathers, mothers, brothers and sisters-in-law: Are they your friend or your enemy?

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In our Filipino culture, in-laws will automatically become a major part of the new family you're going to build. And it's kind of 'whether we like it or not' scenario. They are part of the package after we marry the ones we love. When you promised your life to someone, you have also promised your respect to the parents, brothers, or sisters of your better half. And in some cases, you need to extend your family to his or her aunties, uncles, cousins and even the closest distant relatives!

In many situations, Filipino couples are still living in one roof with the parents of either individual. Sometimes, the complications could arise due to too much familiarity or sometimes some awkwardness towards each other. That's why I've decided to sum it up and suggest some possible solutions.

To enumerate things, here are some of the usual issues with the in-laws:

1. Financial matters.

This is indeed an issue to many of married couples. Sometimes, when the other person is tied to a bread winner of the previous family (yes, previous as a married person will have his/her own now), you cannot totally eliminate the other one's obligation - unless the other party gives it up. At times, when the in laws have no one to turn to, they will definitely depend on their family member. This will sometimes become the reason of some financial woes. Other couples fight because of it, especially if the other person is being secretive about the fact. Also, other complain that the needs of the main household is being compromised because of income distribution.

How to fix it?

First, talk to your other half when the issue is already bothering you and if your own family is suffering because of it. Make him/her understand that when he/she married you, it means that the number 1 priority is the home you two have built ,especially when the resources are quite limited. Also, open your heart and mind to help sometimes. They are your family too, after all. Just encourage your husband or wife to be more open to you in terms of his finances so that you two can work it out together. It also helps if you and your partner are both financially empowered to lessen the burden.

2. Emotional dependency.

There are so many stories that I've heard that their wives or their husbands are still too emotionally attached to their parents. The tag mama's girl/boy or papa's girl/boy can sometimes be the reason of marital bickering. It's also a red flag if the supposed emotionally dependent partner will still be too reliant on the parent's decision even for the new family. This is dangerous at some point for the couples can never have their own choices. However, if the couple is young or immature, parents' guidance is still required at some part of it until they are able to make their own healthy judgment.

What's the remedy?

Make your husband or wife understand that when you made a vow as life partners. This means that you should stand together against all the adversities in life. One of the best ways is to avoid living with the parents of any of the party to avoid intrusions in the relationship. However, realistically speaking, some of the couples don't have their own abode yet after marriage. If there's no other way, a separate room - with much privacy is a must. Also, assert independence in the decision making process for your own good.

3. In-laws dislike towards the husband or wife - or vice versa.

This is really a big problem when the parents or any family member becomes your nemesis. This is so true to people who are not really accepted as a new family member by the in-laws. The callousness may be the result of so many reasons. This would create more complications and bruised egos.

iStock

What to do?

Well, it's really hard to correct an issue with regards to someone's pride. As I said, the root cause varies. It's complex and would require a lot of courage and ego 'power down'. The first thing is understanding the source of the negative emotion towards the other person. Facing it or talking it out might help. If issues are clear enough to be defined, the parties involved can easily pin point the best thing to do.

4. How to raise the children.

Oh, goodness! One of the most controversial part. I know, many could relate to these problems. Sometimes, when the in-laws are involved in dealing with the children, things will sometimes get out of hand. Conflicting ideas may clash and result to squabble and long term conflict. Let's face it: as a parent of a child, you're supposed to have your own rules to be followed - but the in-laws can sometimes overpower you in this very crucial part of your life.

What's the solution?

This is also one of the reasons why married couples should live away from their parents. Parenting really requires a lot of time and effort from the parents itself and any outside force may alter your strategy in disciplining your little one. If the intrusion is not bearable anymore, be honest with your feelings. Talk it out. Ask your in-laws. Being respectfully frank with them is better than just exploding one day. On the other hand, try considering their suggestions. I mean, I bet they mean no harm and they also want the best for your child despite the different ways of implementing it.

5. The 'hard-to-please' or 'know-it-all' in-laws.

Sometimes, it is really depressing with you deal with an overwhelming in-laws. It's like you can't be right in their eyes. Seems like you're not good enough for them. This is also a tedious topic that may be related to the item number 3.

How to face it?

There's nothing better than being open to criticism. Maybe, the in-laws just want the best for their son or daughter. However, if you feel like they've crossed the line, be open also about your sentiments. Try your best to be a better person on the other hand, be genuine t them. Make them understand you're willing to be taught - say thank you as required. However, don't forget that you are handling your own family. Still, your rules. But, still respect them.

My life with the in-laws

Maybe call me lucky. My in-laws have been so supportive and loving. They're like a second parent to me. I will not say that I am perfect or they are perfect but I respect them, love them and value their presence in our marriage life. Me too, I know I make mistakes sometimes but they chose to accept me as their child and who I am. It's all about love and understanding.

_{Me, my daughter and my mother-in-law. She's become my mother now as I've lost mine almost 5 years ago. I love her so much.}

Even my husband is doing his very best to love and take care of my side of the family. He treats my brothers as his own and my father as his own father too (my mama is in heaven now).

To those who are torn between their better half and their parents or any immediate family members, stay strong. Instead of putting a wedge between the two parties, create a bridge for reconciliation. If possible, don't take sides. I know it would be hard but you better try. You are family, after all.

**“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."
** - Genesis 2:24

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