"Divorce So Common These Days: Don't Be Too Needy Or Clingy "

"Divorce? Where did that come from? Two weeks ago we were talking about a vacation in the mountains. I had no idea our marriage was this awful? I am shocked and devastated. I have got to find a way to put a stop to this. Maybe this is all a dream and when I wake up things will be back to normal."

Most books and articles on divorce are written based on the assumption that once a couple says they want a divorce that they are ready for divorce. It is our experience as therapists and divorce coaches, who have helped many people through this process that this is in fact not the case. Usually when couples begin the divorce process, either one but more often than not, both, are not really ready for the divorce.

The reason many people do not even think about getting ready for a divorce is because they operate under the assumption that the sooner you can get out of a stressful situation the better. So there is a natural tendency for people who are in difficult marriages to want to get the divorce over with as quickly as possible in order to move on with their lives. Family and friends often encourage this as well. They hurt for the family and so also prescribe to the myth that the quicker the divorce is over, the sooner everything will return to normal.

But unfortunately in most cases just the opposite happens. Couples who make rushed decisions to leave the marriage have had no time to evaluate their feelings, thoughts or options. As a result they are unprepared for the roller coaster of emotions, the complicated legal system and the many life changing decisions that they need to make. Quite often they make agreements which they cannot sustain, and instead of the situation getting better, they often find that they have just traded one set of problems for another. So it is no wonder that they often get tangled up in lengthy court cases and the very thing they hoped for, a quick divorce, often takes years.

Believe it or not, cheating is NOT the main reason people divorce get divorced today. I agree that lack of communication is the root cause; but there are others. To compare love and arranged marriages by considering their divorce rates, we need to have similar situation of freedom in both kinds of marriages. This is not the case here.

In places like Nepal, the divorce rates are comparatively low because many couples are forced to stay together even when they are not very compatible, succumbing to the values of the society and the family.

To really study which among love and arranged marriage is better, you have to conduct surveys involving a large number of participating couples and record how happy and compatible they feel with each other. This data needs to be collected for a few years. Only this will provide a fairly good answer.

The ‘WE’ phenomenon is here to stay. Today’s woman is educated and financially independent, and doesn’t mind voicing her opinion or fighting for her rights. She doesn’t want to stay fulfilled, doing only the mundane household chores. She wants more for herself. She can shoulder the family responsibilities, equally (or perhaps better?) as well as the man of the house. These days, women may want to opt out of their marriage, rather than leading an unhappy married life.

I definitely go with love marriages. I cannot even accept that one can marry another person without being in love. I cannot have people other than myself telling me whom to live my life with. A marriage is a commitment that two people make to each other when they have known each other for a long time, and are very sure that they will, for life. This should happen only after each of them realizing their compatibility as a couple. A marriage comes a long way after love.

What arranged marriages expect is for love to creep in after two people are married, after they are tied together for life. What if the two people never fall for each other? Let's say that two incompatible people are married by their families arranging it. In addition to being forced to live together, they are also put under a lot of pressure to not divorce. This, in no way can be a good form of marriage.

Many people get married for the sake of having a fancy wedding and not necessarily because they’re in love. When it comes to real feelings, however, there has to be real substance for a marriage to last a lifetime. I have mention some of the reasons behind them in my own opinion.

1.Communication Gap
As per a survey, most women complain that men give a deaf ear to their feelings and opinions, whereas a majority of men blame nagging as the major cause of poor communication with their spouse.

2.Lack of Commitment
Live – in relationships, social networking, dating websites – the present generation has plenty of options to choose a new partner and bid adieu to the former one. What is more, there is no longer a social stigma attached to breakups or divorces. Hectic and complex lifestyles cause anger, frustration and confrontations, which may rock the foundation of the marriage.

3.Expectations & considerations
Both partners seek love and respect from the other but are unwilling to give love and respect to the other. Or fail to understand how to communicate love and respect to the other. It’s like two blind people seeking support from one another but failing to consider the limitations of the other.

4. Constant arguing
From bickering about chores to arguing about the kids; incessant arguing kills many relationships. Couples who seem to keep having the same argument over again often do so because they feel they’re not being heard or appreciated. Many find it hard to see the other person’s point of view, which leads to a lot of arguing without ever coming to a resolution.

5. Abuse
Physical or emotional abuse is a sad reality for some couples. It doesn’t always stem from the abuser being a “bad” person; deep emotional issues are usually to blame. Regardless of the reason, no one should tolerate abuse and removing yourself from the relationship safely is important.

6.Cultural Differences
Difference in cultural backgrounds. At the beginning, the stark differences in families and friends, and different religious beliefs may seem cute and worth a petty fight. But all it takes is a few months of suppressed ideas and opposing thoughts to wreak havoc in a marriage.

7. Your spouse doesn’t understand your needs or wants
This is far more common than most people assume. As we evolve as individuals, we have our own needs and wants from life. Have you ever felt like your partner doesn’t understand your passion or interests in life?

8.A sudden change in lifestyle
A marriage isn’t just a ring around the finger. It’s a whole new life and a new lifestyle. If you haven’t moved in with each other, you may never understand the real issues of living together.

Some married men & women are found to be involved in post-marital affairs these days and moreover when many of them had a love marriage. It's because they are not happy in their married life due to some reason like not feeling sexually satisfied from their life partner. It is also observed sometimes that in a married couple husband was found to be involved in a post marital love affair & after some time his wife also begins her post marital love affair with some another man just to take revenge from her husband or to satisfy her needs.

In some cases it has been observed that some couples have a sluggish sex lives due to some malfunctioning in sex organs of either of the two or both. In such cases some medical advice can prove to be of some help.

But on the contrary to all this it has also been found out that many fortunate married couples enjoy an active sex life till their old age without feeling bore of each others bodies. It has also been observed that some couples in which either one of the two or both of the two are not that good looking are very much happy in their married lives!

Marriage is not all about physical relation or sex. Even if a couple is not enjoying an active sex life they should not think about divorce because they should realize that at least if they continue living together they can cooperate each other in good and bad times of their lives as their parents have entered in their old age now and after some time their parents will have to leave this world. So who will be cooperating them in their good and bad times? At least they can live together as good companions or good friends.

Image Source

Thank you for your time!
@bindu