RE: Dementia - The thief of time
I think this is one of the most difficult situations to deal with. They look like the person you used to know, but are entirely different now. You don't know what reaction they'll have, when such things were a given all your life. It's hardest on the caregivers. The affected person has no concept of their words or actions beyond immediate expression of needs and wants as relates to themselves.
My husband's mother is showing definite signs of memory issues and faulty decision making. She's 85 and otherwise healthy. She currently lives alone. All the kids are worried, but not sure what to do. She'll fight them tooth and nail whatever they decide, because she knows she's not entirely in control anymore. That scares her, so she fights. I've even offered to be the 'bad guy' and be the one to put my foot down, since I'm an in-law. That would let the kids team up to 'help' her. But, not yet, they say. I'm scared what 'yet' is going to look like.
No matter how you look at it, it sucks. Positive thoughts on the way to you for patience and strength.
You are very right. My grandmother can not do anything for herself and is totally dependent on us. It is a 100 % commitment from our side and you should think about this long and hard if you ever want to take this on. Would it not be possible to let a nurse or a caregiver stay with her to help her? The longer they can stay on their own the better. You should not try to be the bad guy...you also want to help her so you are definitely not the bad guy. The sucking part is true. One of us always have to stay at home as we can not leave her alone, but we are committed till the end. Good luck to you and it will all work out for the best! Things have a tendency of working out the way it's supposed to....
Fingers crossed the kids get things sorted out. She's already singled out one of her sons as 'trying to put her away'. In reality, he mentioned a senior assisted-living community a half mile from his house. Basically, it's an apartment complex geared to seniors & they have people close by to help when needed. In her mind, we're locking her up so we don't have to be at her beck and call. Sigh..... My being the 'bad guy' would be to re-direct that fight onto me so he and the other kids can get her situated. I'm not worried about long-term animosity from her, as I don't think she can sustain it. I hesitate to say it, but it would almost be easier if she wasn't aware of what's happening to her. We're in the in-between space now and trying to tread as lightly as we can. At some point, sooner rather than later, that's not going to work anymore. I surely hope you're right about things working out. My hope is we can get her safely situated with a minimum of turmoil.
My hats off to y'all for doing such an awesome job with your grandmother. It's stressful and wears you down. I'm glad to hear there are a few of you so you can take turns. I would imagine having a 'breather' now and then is vital to recharge yourself. Bravo for being there for her!
Sometimes you just have to be blunt. Sit her down and tell her exactly what everyone is planning and why they are doing this. It is a difficult situation really...just imagine your independence being taken away from you...but if it is better for her she would also realize this at some point. I hear you when you say that it would be better if she doesn't know what is happening to her....this is one of the most permanent difficult situations that you might ever have to make....good luck in making this decision. xx
You're right about that conversation and that's the one thing all of them are avoiding. Hence, my worry on what 'yet' is going to look like. She's already left the stove on & walked away.
Thanks for the well wishes as they're going to come in handy!