This is my first post.. And I’m gonna dive deep

I’ve only been here a week and I’ve literally spent the last two days trying to think of what the hell I should write about for my first post (I’m so green that I haven’t even figured out how to set up my profile picture yet.. I am about as tech savvy as a 70 year old woman and I honestly don’t even reaaaally understand what a blockchain is and it’s a surprise I made it here to Steemit world). So i’m sitting here on a quiet Saturday night watching my wonderful husband and baby girl sleep and enjoying ‘mama time’ which generally consists of a glass of nice Italian wine and a sneaky hoot of whatever my local dispensary is raving about (or trying to get rid of) that week. So, I’m just gonna wing it. On my brain tonight....

WHAT IS LIFE WITHOUT RISK?
WHAT IS LIFE WITHOUT LOVE?
WHAT IS LIFE WITHOUT TRULY ALLOWING YOURSELF TO FEEL?

My answer...

Emptiness.

I look at my 6 month old baby girl as she sleeps and I think ‘Holy shit - I am more vulnerable than I have even been in my entire life. In fact, I am THE MOST vulnerable I could ever been in my whole life. Why did I even do this??? I could lose so much, literally my entire heart at any moment in time for no fair reason, why didn’t I just play it safe?’ Then I remember that through years of darkness, depression, trauma and anxiety I fought through, all I ever wished for was happiness, at whatever cost. It makes me realize that without all that pain, I would never have had the courage to allow myself to be vulnerable and accept true love into my life.

When you are at the bottom of the barrel you can only fight for so long before you have no other choice than to surrender to yourself and forced to answer the question ‘Am I gonna live, or am I gonna die?’

You end your life right there or you fight.

If you choose to fight, you begin to understand that by numbing yourself and being angry, frustrated or living in a ‘victim state’ will only cause you more dissatisfaction in life. Then you’re left with one last choice.. Do I react to this pain by shutting down emotionally or do I find strength in surrendering to these feelings? Either road has a MAJOR impact on determining which way your life will go.

Us humans are merely just living, breathing, emotional creatures by nature. We feel and sense our way through life from the time we are alive in our mothers womb. Experience, good and bad, is all about testing us mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically and most importantly our will to live. If you shut down emotionally and refuse to be vulnerable you are limiting yourself and your happiness. It’s all a risk. But the real question is, how much fear are you prepared to push through and how willing to are you to risk everything to be truly happy? All vulnerabilities laid out on the table. I guess the answer comes down to how prepared you are to accept the truth and the inevitable, and that is the fact that we only have one life and one chance to make the most of this world and learn to allow yourself feel every big and simple little bit of happiness that there is to be felt.

Personally, I’d rather risk all the pain than to never allow myself to feel true love and happiness. Choosing to love others and allowing to be loved is the most fulfilling feeling in the universe.

So I guess you could say my future posts are going to be something along the lines of this...
Life lessons, mental health, overcoming, family, motherhood, martial arts, yoga, travel, baking weed and just an array of random late night thoughts.

Glad I finally broke the ice.

Nice to meet you Steemit!