I recently made a leap of faith and left a 3-year relationship. This was difficult to do because we have a two year old together and I have a 9 year old from a previous relationship. The house is mine and so are all of the bills. By us living together, I could be a stay at home mom for the baby and only work a few hours a month, from home, to stay employed.

I ended it because I realized that I wasn't being true to myself. I was compromising deep love and passion for comfort and security. Deep down I know that this is one of the lessons I must learn in life: personal integrity. I must trust my heart and honor myself even though it seems like a terrible idea from an animal perspective. My soul wants to show me that I can count on myself to create happiness AND security. I knew that I had to open a door for that to happen, I had to create the space. I had to trust my heart.

I'm not going to lie, I'm struggling. My car needs repairs so I can take my oldest to visit her father 500 miles away. It's going to add about $700 to about $4500 of credit debt. My bills run about $1200 without frivolous spending. I have a roof loan of $4000 that needs paid off before December to avoid crazy interest charges. I'm only bringing in about $350 a month from my employment and child support is currently $600 a month. We don't mention finances in our culture and I'm not pointing these out for any reason other than transparency and to give justification to the anxiety I've been feeling. I'm definitely racking up debt. 😬😰

I have been working on myself for long enough that I know how important it is to feel my feelings. I've been noticing that the anxiety in my stomach (solar plexus) has been with me for days. When I can, I consciously remind myself to allow what is happening in the moment instead of having expectations that I should be doing anything differently or "better" (like taking the kids to a park instead of letting them watch tons of TV while I clean and do dishes). When I remove expectations from the moment I feel more peaceful. We still make it to the park, but I also allow the non-park moments to exist without beating myself up. This is requires constant work, did I mention the anxiety has been with me for days?

Tonight I was determined to get down to the root of the lesson that all of this is trying to teach me. I already know that nothing happens TO us, but FOR us. For example, when my oldest daughter's dad stopped being able to make child support payments this year, I decided that this was the push I needed to officially launch my dream interpretation business on social media. I'd been too afraid of visibility and possibly failing to push myself otherwise. When I decided to dig into what all of this debt and unforeseeable income situation was trying to teach me, I remembered:

Trust

I've been losing sight that this was always about learning to trust my heart and soul. I've been focusing on all of the fear instead of rejoicing in the process. I KNOW I'll eventually do well with my business (I'm really good at dream analysis). I KNOW I'll eventually meet a man I'll want to marry (my dreams have even told me his name). I haven't been to the future, I have no proof but I trust that the heart doesn't lie.

How cool will my story be when I can come back and tell you all how well things work out because I trusted myself to do what's scary?!

Kyle Cease is an amazing Transnational Speaker and Comedian who encourages people to fall in love with their fear. It's been a stretch for me to embrace loving my fear. It was more like I could respect it as part of the process. Now, however, I can sort of view myself as two beings having an experience together. My body and mind are scared of the "what if's" and my soul is a larger presence that can view that animal fear and love it. It's like trying to get your pet dog to swim for the first time. You KNOW it'll love the water and knowing this you patiently let it go through the emotional process of building itself up. Then once it's in you both have fun together.

That may not have been a great metaphor, but it was good enough to explain how I can step into that larger awareness and trust that this is necessary and the best is yet to come. Knowing this and practicing this, I can tap into the infinite potential that still awaits and feel a little giddy about the situation. What's NEXT!? More debt? A windfall? I DON'T KNOW!! But my heart still says this is right! Focusing on what's good about it is how I manifest that happiness NOW. I'll focus on trusting that it's all working out.

Because it is.