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RE: PTSD, 12 tallboys, and 2 packs a day. This is the reality.

in #life8 years ago

I know what you mean about medical services and they are getting less and less funding from Govt (UK at least). The first areas to be cut are always those that affect the weak and vulnerable - ie Mental Health, Disability and the Elderly. Alcoholism also has quite a stigma associated with it, so its a lot to deal with and keeps you in the spiral of low self-esteem, depression, anxiety etc. Are you able to detox safely by yourself without Librium or have you managed any periods of sobriety only to slip back? How successful have your efforts to give up been to date is what I'm asking really?
To be honest, it wasn't the medical interventions and therapies that actually caused me to stop drinking, although cognitive behavioural therapy did help. The thing that did it for me was learning all about the science and physiology of alcoholism - this helped me understand the nature of the beast I was dealing with. I felt like I must be completely insane because I'd be absolutely certain I would not drink again, then literally within hours I'd be drinking....complete madness! How can this happen I kept thinking, its as if I had two brains or my brain was fighting itself for control of me....I realised I was fighting against my own brain. Reading up about the physiology gave me a real insight into what was going on at the brain level. Essentially one's neo-cortex, the more evolved rational part of the brain is in conflict with the much more primal part of the brain, the amygdala which controls basic instincts and reward mechanisms etc. Both are fighting for control of you, this is why there is a common feeling of a duality going on, or madness. Now knowing my enemy, I could formulate ways to combat it - just knowing I wasn't completely mad and there was a process going on helped a lot.. The trick is to tame the "monkey in your head" and let the Neo-cortex gain more control. The trick is to find ways to slap the monkey down each time he pops his head up (cravings)by various techniques. This is difficult at first but becomes easier. I'd force an image in my head each time a craving hit, say me rattling on the sofa first thing in the am trying to force a can of flat warm strong lager down to stave off the possibility of fitting through withdrawal again. Others would be my sad childrens' faces looking at me etc - force the horrible images to the front of your mind and slap fuck out of the monkey that is 100% determined to kill you.....Anyway, probably waffling on now but just want to try and save you a couple of decades. Know your enemy and then you can arm yourself and plan your attack. It's definitely not easy so resign yourself to that, it's tough and you will slip up, recognise the slips for what they are before they become full relapses, don't beat yourself up and if you do slip, dust yourself off and go back fighting...Good luck

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Thank you for your words of encouragement and advice @alkafir. I am currently on day number 4 of being sober. I have not had to take medicine for withdrawals. I have managed to stay sober for months at a time and even once for a little over a year and a half. My stinking thinking tells me...What if you do all this again and then fail down the road again miserably? However, I keep telling myself that I have to do this. This could be my last chance. The three things keeping me motivated right now are my wife and 2 children.

That's brilliant with the drinking....remember that it is a very slippery slope with an inevitable outcome. Sounds like things haven't progressed too far along the slope yet so that's great news. Your thought patterns appear to be the main issue. Try to forget all the what if's and when you catch yourself thinking this way try to do something to distract yourself. The thing you are describing is anxiety and your negative thoughts feed on themselves and tend to spiral out of control. This can lead to panic attacks which from my experience feel like your hearts racing with an accompanying very strong feeling of impending doom. There are some treatments such as using anxiolytics or anti- depressants but if you can do without then I would. Again, understanding the physiology of anxiety/panic attacks is a good way to learn how to deal with it. It is basically the body's "fight or flight" reflex being triggered without any actual threat being present.
Try to take your mind off things by keeping busy and your mind occupied and also learn relaxation techniques. Just take baby steps, give yourself a pat on the back for the 4 days, reward yourself, don't dwell on feelings like guilt, low self worth etc. No ! - Don't beat yourself up with all the "I should be's" - its the worst thing you can do, trust me.
You are a worthwhile human being, no less than ANYBODY else, value yourself, love yourself and keep re-enforcing these thoughts until eventually you will believe it and rid yourself of the negative thoughts. Think about how your wife is still with you, she must see the real you behind the curtain, think of the life ahead of you with your children. You have a wonderful life ahead of you once you get through this period. Sorry if I sound a bit preachy.....I'll leave you alone now. Look after yourself.....seriously, everything else will follow. Take care

Thanks for your reply @alkafir. I appreciate your encouragement and the suggestions of "tools" to add to my toolbox. The reply was not too "preachy", but thanks for thinking of someones feelings or response to your words.

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