Dark Days
How does one start talk about such things to strangers? And is it even such a good idea to share these things with those you've never met let alone known? If I am truly honest I sometimes find these things so tough to talk about to even those closest to me. This is not for reasons of avoidance, fear or even arrogance but my own confusion and lack of understanding.
Today was a day that should have been like any other and yes it has started similar to some other days. But those days have become so few and far between that I've become complacent, ignorant of their existence at times. I find distractions, hobbies and fun pastimes to dissuade my mind from confronting the truth. Lately I have found the wondrous distraction that is painting (or more accurately pastelling, if that's a thing) and it is wonderful. I have loved every second of my immersion in it. But it doesn't do a single thing for those days, like today, when the hammer falls.
Now, I don't live in fear of this happening. Hell, more often than not I forget that it could happen. Course when it does it hits so much harder. Days like today are horrid. They are days where you just want to disappear in to a hole and not come out. I fight and fight thoughts of hopelessness, uselessness, feeling that I will never succeed in anything and ultimately that all my efforts will forever be for nought.
I could sit/lie here and let the tears flow with abandon and it will ease the feelings inside for a time. But the outcome is always the same. I inevitably feel raw, hollow, empty and with a renewed desire to hide and not face the world. So my alternative is to pen it all up inside, something I almost never do not anymore.
People say, "Lighten up!" or "It's never that bad." And to those people I say, "Have you ever tried lighting a fire in a hurricane?"
Sadness is just feeling a bit down.................right? Sadness is simply just the opposite of being happy or the absence of it..........right? Sadness and being depressed or feeling low isn't just something everyone can shrug off. I can't just sit down, find a favourite film/book/hobby etc and brush it all away. All of those things I took enjoyment from before now hold no sway or happiness. It's almost as if your favourite food is tasteless and odourless, besides that you're not even hungry for it. Therefore I cannot simply just play the pain away.
This depression is rooted deep within me, it's at my core and it's unfortunately part of who I am. I am not sure I will ever be able to face it and confront it let alone control and master it. I have come close in recent years to facing and somewhat understanding it but in doing so without completion all I have done is open that can, and released those worms. Now I have no means or method to wrangle them in.
So where do I go from here?
Do I spend a proportion of the day letting my emotions out, stopping the pain infect me further or do I swallow it down and say to myself, "Get on with it!"? One thing I do know is that I will at some point be walking out of this house for no predetermined amount of time to just be on my own in the world. No sounds (other than nature), no distractions........just me. Maybe the fresh air will blow away some of this, maybe the time spent in solitude will allow me to reflect and look inwards.
Whatever happens, today has started on a painfully, horrid foot and I need to shake this off or I will not be able to do anything else productive whatsoever and I will simply fester in it.
Final thoughts
I know this all seems extremely personal to be plastering all over Steemit, let alone the internet. However it has been mildly cathartic and maybe there are people out there in a similar way who can either offer advice or help that will actually help. I know I am hardly a beacon of wisdom but in understanding me better it may give some the desire to ask me for advice or support. Even with all my problems I can often be a good ear and shoulder. I am here for anyone and everyone.
Thank you for taking the time to read and put up with my depressing tale.
Love to you all out there. You're never ever alone.
Excellent post, I have resteemed it as it is important for people to feel that they are not alone.
The great thing about Steemit, is that you are not alone, there is a whole community here who should and will support you.
Thank you mate. It all helps. Today just keeps throwing bs at me and I just want to scream.
I am so very grateful for any and all support.
I have felt that way in the past and nothing anyone will say will make things better. In my misery, most things people said to me, to make me feel better, just seemed like platitudes. But you know what, they were right. Things did get better, with time. One day I woke up, and found the strength to deal with life. That strength to move past the hopelessness, is within you and I really wish you find it soon. Feel better.
I know you're completely right. It's the fighting back to feeling even remotely balanced, let alone moving to an upward motion. There's every chance I'll feel better by tonight/tomorrow but I need to swim through this for now. Most days are fine or even great. But that causes me to forget that days like this can come without any warning. I just need to try and focus my mind, it's just trying bring order to it.
Thank you very much for your understanding and support. It's helpful to have people out there in the vastness of the world who get it.....❤
Like I said, you are not alone. But in the worst of times, its easier to talk to strangers, and no one gets that better than me. 2 nights ago, I too poured out all the heartache of the past year on steemit! Even if only two people saw it, it helped immensely. There was so much pain in my heart that I couldn't share with those, who are closest to me and just putting those feelings into words helped. If you ever need a friend who you can rant to, just drop a line! Hope you have a great day ahead!
Thank you very much @fuchsia.ink. I am really very grateful for your support. It's true sometimes just unloading on to a stranger is maybe the best way. I just feel weird doing it. I have such great support at home generally.
However today I knew was going to be that bit harder sitting with nothing but my own company which can be a death sentence for my emotions. But things are starting to improve a bit even if I feel exhausted.
The same goes for you and anyone else reading this, I am always here for anyone who wants to vent or needs an ear to listen.