I SHOULDN'T BE ALIVE

Since 1990, a lot of people have died at the third mainland bridge, Lagos. I feel lucky to be alive every single day. Of the many that have died at the bridge, I am of the 1% who has survived. Growing up, I thought everything is gonna be fine but at 21 it all came crashing down. If you can imagine the feeling that everyone around you is trying to kill you and you believe that to be true. The panic attacks were making me expire outta control. I vividly remember writing my suicide note. People don’t get it because I thought I was a burden to everyone around me. I got off the bus and worked towards third mainland bridge. People walked by me, drove by me and a woman approached me and said “ you rather jump in the sea than block the walk way” she said thanks and walked away. At that moment I said nobody cares but the reality was that everyone cares. I just couldn’t see it.
I ran forward, using my two hands I grabbed the side rail of the bridge and catapulted myself for the freefall. What I’m about to say is the exact same thing that the rest bridge survivors have also said. The milliseconds I threw myself over the rail, it was an instant regret. I was already thinking no one is gonna know that I didn’t wanna die. In 4 seconds I fell. 10m/s, 10 stories and I hit the water. I was in the most physical speed I have ever experienced. The coast guard was amazing, he was so fast to have dove in and brought me onboard. He said do you know how many people we brought out that were already dead. And I said no that I wanna know. The man put his hand on my forehead and said boy, you’re very lucky. My dad was contacted, on his arrival I said “dad I’m sorry” and he said no that he was the one to be sorry.
I didn’t even know it wasn’t a death sentence to be a debtor. The day of my first attempt still sit within me till today. I asked my father if he still feared my death by suicide and he said every time my phone doesn’t go through, his first question is “is Etieno alive?” I had that impact on my dad. It’s okay not to be okay but it’s not okay not to ask someone to back you up. To the families who live with the losses of loved ones, they didn’t do that to hurt you or destroy your life, they did that because they were struggling in a great deal of mental pain. Suicide, mental illness and addiction are the only diseases that we blame the victim but people die from suicide just like any other organ disease. Today no matter the struggle I am in, I do believe l deserve the care I have ever been given.
If you are suffering mentally, don’t wait like I did sitting and do not act for so long because recovery happens and I’m okay now.
The get rich quick syndrome got me into this. There came a time in Nigeria that a popular ponzi scheme (MMM) overwhelmed the whole country. At first it seemed to me like it was God sent to deliver me from the prolonged pauperism. I invested the only pocket money I had which wasn’t up to fifty thousand naira. At the end of thirty days I got back my capital plus a 30% bonus. I was overwhelmed with joy. With this I knew the system was genuine. The outcome was directly proportional to the input. I needed to invest enough money so I get enough to buy the beautiful things money can buy. After hours of brainstorming, I resorted to using the money a friend kept with me for his rent and school fees after all he wasn’t going to use it in the next one month. As If that wasn’t enough, I borrowed a lot of money from three other friends which amounted to a large sum of 500,000 naira. Little did I know that nothing good comes so easy. I invested and started the thirty days countdown for me to blow. The reality was that I was digging my grave and it was actually a twenty days countdown to when I was going to die. I was already spending the money imaginary for the Christmas which was just few weeks away.
As fate had it, I never knew my happiness would be whisked away in a very short time. I woke up one morning to get the sad news that what I expected to change my financial status positively was taking me down negatively into a debt-laden. The scheme had crashed.
In a bid to recover that which was lost, I went to my dad and told him that the deadline for fee payment was in the next two weeks. I got the money in the five days including my sister’s. Well my intention wasn’t to pay the fees but to multiply the money and clear my debt before paying. I went to my friend who was a pro in football bet to help me get some sure games which amounted to 100 points. I staked the whole amount hoping it works out. Unluckily, it didn’t.
The situation worsened when I couldn’t provide the money that was kept with me upon request. The news of my misfortune went wild till my parents got to know about it. I can remember my dad telling me that he doubts if I’m his biological son. Mehn…I was rejected I felt the world on my head.. I had never been threatened with a gun till that time.. Every knock on my door was a panic attack. I had no way outta the trouble I got myself into. I just couldn’t leave with it so I made up my mind to take my life.

suicide is never a solution, now a happy man