Let's talk Tuesday : Radical Acceptance
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I've been going to a DBT group every Monday and I decided to research this therapy method to see exactly what I was getting into. On this search for information on dialectal behavioral therapy I stumbled upon a video of the founder, talking about radical acceptance.
This pulled me to search more about radical acceptance because it felt like something familiar. There's something I've struggled with and that's pretty much accepting who my father is and what he's done. Over and over I've tried to forgive and forget the past, but he just kept bringing it up. Sure, it wasn't anything traumatic that he'd bring up, but it didn't have to be, it was his tone as if to say "It wasn't that bad."
It wasn't THAT bad?! This man raped and tortured my mom, forcing her to birth children amongst other damaging behaviors including tackling her to the ground with me as a baby in her arms. This is where radical acceptance helps. It is like abandoning all hope for a better past. It feels like true forgiveness. Now, radical acceptance and what I've grasped of the concept, doesn't mean I have to welcome this man with open arms. I would say that's along the lines of denying reality and the reality is he's a walking talking trigger for me. He was and still is a pathological liar and I have to abandon all hope that my forgiveness and open arms will change him somehow. Not my circus, not my monkey. That is what radical acceptance is to me.
If I wanted a close and loving relationship with this man, that would be different. But the past is very real. It exists now. It shaped who I am so I will never blame him for his actions and for my short comings, but I will hold him responsible for his actions. I always made excuses for him. From his tortured past to his naval indoctrination. He had a choice then much like I have a choice now. And I choose to accept reality for what it is and be okay with not having him in my life.
I recognize him for his good and the darkness he's channeled. He owes me nothing, I owe him nothing. He can no longer threaten me with his impending death either by his hands or his health issues. Life will go on. It must and now I can properly grieve this loss and move on with my life. According to my therapist there's a lot of healing heading my way and I can feel it. I just have to keep doing the hard work.
If my example of radical acceptance didn't quite hit the mark for you and you're still unsure what it is, here's a descriptive video I've found helpful:
In my example, I came about radical acceptance in my realization that either path I would choose would have pain, but one would be unbearable suffering and the other would be the natural flow of pain after letting go that can lead to healing. I can't control this man and how he chooses to speak and conduct himself. Although there is pain in letting go, this path will lead to healing. I've tried for years to make the right decision here. I kept choosing to try to make amends and get to know him. Each time opening my heart for more hurt. He even had the chance to say he wants nothing to do with me after an argument. He's had nothing to do with me since I was 9. So, for him to say that to me because I spoke my mind at 28(at the time), was devastating. He will never have the chance to make me feel that way again. Not now, not ever, and I think that's pretty radical. Namaste.
*All videos are not my own and I have no rights the them.
I have always loved that saying "not my circus, not my monkeys!" - but it took me time to really embrace that it really ISN'T mine! :)
I'm so thankful that in the past year or so, I've learned to let go. to truly let go and feel what that feels like! It's a hard thing to show, teach, explain to others - it really is something that must be experienced in their own lives and journey...
but always good to keep lighting the path!
thanks for this :)
This is really powerful healing, and I hope you keep doing the necessary work toward healing. You, as a human being, have a right to a life free from the trauma of the past.
Thank you, it took me so much to reach this point. Standing up for myself and setting boundaries has been my life's struggle but after learning about this practice, it's getting much easier because I see where each path leads. Tapping into wise mind (a balance between emotional and logical mind) is life changing. With this practice, healing is inevitable ❤️
Just because you know youve picked the right path doesnt make the pain any easier, but youre right it will let you heal, and you already help many other people realise these things too.
Your words have more effect on me than most of the people I have met on this platform. Mostly because you're not just an intelligent person looking at a situation and trying to help or figure it out, you've been through alot of it and you understand it.
I take great comfort knowing you're on the path to happiness and I hope one day I pick the right one too.
Much love <33333
Thank you so much and I appreciate your kind words here to the fullest. I have faith you'll find the right path and it will lead you to love of self, love of life and compassion throughout. Usually those who know pain intimately have the highest capacity for compassion because they wouldn't wish their pain and suffering even on their worst enemy. Big hugs and lots of love 🤗❤️ and remember this, life of happiness doesn't mean a life without pain. Pain is always inevitable but through radical acceptance, I can allow myself to be in this moment, and in this moment I am happy 😄
@staceyjean this is a powerful story. Disturbing nonetheless. Yet humans as we are we always have the capacity to outlive bad experiences and get the most from them.xoxo
I think I need some therapy, I am going to look deeper into this. I need some radical acceptance, I have found in the past that acceptance is the key to serenity, just seems there is more and more to accept as time progresses...thank you for sharing
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