Joke 1

Longfellow

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Joke 2

You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. - A. A. Milne

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Joke 3

New girlfriend

Joe was walking with his new girlfriend Vickie. They had just finished a wonderful date and he was about to drop her off at home.

The mood was right and the timing was right, so Joe looked into her eyes and said, "Sweetheart, I want to tell you that you're the first girl I have ever loved."

"Oh no", Vickie groaned, "not another Rookie!"

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Joke 4

Q: Why did the teacher carry birdseed
A: For the Parrot-Teacher conference

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Joke 5

Looks like darned near everything has a health warning now! I did not know this.....

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,

When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,

When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends

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Joke 6

Hiking in the woods

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream.

Deciding the bridge is safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other,

"You know, I've always wanted to be like the guys, and pee off a bridge."

The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!"

The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder.

"Holy shit!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!"

Alarmed, the second woman hurries over and peeks at the stream.

"Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was just your reflection."

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Joke 7

Academic bullshit phrases completed

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you bullshit.

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Joke 8

Q: What are the three basic food groups?
A: Canned, frozen and take-out

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Trump's Europe

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