Getting started

I opened this account in order to follow some of my favorite people and their thoughts....so I am not sure what avenue my own site will take. For now, I am going to start with basic stream of consciousness ramblings.

The last few months have been hell. I lost my significant other Oct 21st after he battled colon cancer for 15 months. As any human, I am dealing with grief, anger and loss. I also deal with depression-not to point of medication-but always the low level sadness that will morph into bouts of insomnia, inability to leave my home and a struggle to make it through the days and nights-something I have dealt with my entire life. And like many, it is all compounded by the fact that after a lifetime of wrong choices and trying to conform to others ideas so that I would be liked/loved, I found this man who just accepted me. He knew I had "quirks" from a childhood of abuse-physical, mental and sexual. A lifetime of settling for users and manipulators to "feel like someone loved me". He simply worked with me at whatever level I was at. He accepted me and taught me it was ok to say- I am not comfortable with....whatever it was at the moment.

When we met, I trusted no one. It took almost two years for me to have him in my home. When he finally sat down and said he could no longer look at me as just his friend with benefits....he also said "I know you don't want to get married but I want you to know that I see you as my spiritual wife...you are connected to my soul. Can you accept my proposal to be joined in spirit?" Yes, yes I could.

What I got to learn during our years together...way to few years together...is that there are still some good humans. He was a good man, a good father and a good friend. He believed in volunteering, helping others even when they often hurt him in return, and standing up for his principles. We shared a love for sports which is what brought us together to begin with, a love for history which was his major in college, and a love for wonderful, quiet weekends where we just hung out, cooked and watched movies.

He taught me about historical perspectives when we debated politics. He taught me it was ok to be child like- to step back and do those things I wanted to but never was able to growing up. He laughed with me when I learned to ride a bicycle when I was 52. He smiled when we went to the zoo. He held my hand as I learned to roller skate again. He supported me when I stepped out of my comfort zone..and comforted me if I failed. He was the first person I was ok with showing vulnerability or failure to....I knew he would not use it against me.

Life was not perfect. We disagreed. I learned from him how to take a moment, figure out why I was upset and talk about our disagreements in a way that led to growth-not drama, chaos and emotional manipulation.

Our relationship was not conventional. He still had close ties with the mother of his children. I learned from him what it was like to have someone who was upfront and truthful....and I learned how to be the same.

I learned how to be secure, I learned that I could sexy even though I am old, round and kind of out of shape. He taught me that true sexy was in my heart and the love I had to give to others. That my having a brain, opinions and independent strength was sexy to a good man who was also secure, had a brain and opinions.

He taught me not to settle.

And now the Universe took him away.

He lives in my heart and my soul, so I know I will be ok eventually...but I sure miss the sound of his voice.