Introducing Myself

Ok, so I do this... start a profile somewhere... and then abandon it for a while because I don't know what to share.

Where do I begin?
Who am I?

Alright, here's where I'll start... my identity.
I'm dark-gray asexual, demi-romantic, non-binary, mostly androgynous, gender-fluid human being.

It took me years to figure that out,
decades, actually.
I started out thinking I was a heterosexual female.
But then I realized that didn't really fit.
So I thought I was bisexual?
Or maybe pansexual?
Or maybe lesbian?
But those didn't really fit either.

The problem, I eventually realized, is that I rarely feel sexually attracted to anyone.
I feel intellectually attracted,
Emotionally attracted,
Sometimes romantically attracted.
But sexual attraction?
Not so much.
Hardly ever, actually.

I think people, lots of people, are asthetically pleasing, handsome and beautiful even.
But that's not the same as being sexually attracted to them,
Not even close.

I think was sexually attracted to my ex-husband,
And two, perhaps three, of my ex-partners.
I fell in love with them.
Sex was a part of the relationship.
I know I was intellectually, emotionally, and romantically attracted to them,
To all of my partners,
Very much so.
But I don't know about actual sexual attraction.

What becomes really awkward is when straight men assume you're sexually interested in them because you're intellectually and/or emotionally interested in them.
You want to build a meaningful connection with them, preferably without sex.
But many men (not all) seem incapable of building a meaningful connection unless sex is involved.
Even then, many men (not all) still seem to have difficulty building a meaningful connection.
And then, some men don't want to build a meaningful connection at all.
To them, you're a booty call.
You're a female body to fuck.
It's best to avoid these men.

It's different with women.
Straight, lesbian, bi, pan, or whatever...
You can be intellectually and emotionally interested in them.
They can be intellectually and emotionally interested in you.
And (usually) there's no pressure to have sex.
You just become really good friends.
Close friends.
Best friends.

The only time it becomes awkward is if you begin to feel romantic attachment,
If you begin to fall in love,
If you begin to desire companionship.
(This holds true for all close platonic friendships, male or female.)
Most people believe that,
In order to be in a romantic relationship,
In order to fall in love,
In order to be companions,
You have to be sexually involved.
There is very little room in our culture for platonic romance and companionship,
And that saddens me.

Anyway, moving along...
Now, onto my non-binary, mostly androgynous, gender-fluidity...

Most of the time I don't feel like I'm any gender.
I don't feel feminine.
I don't feel masculine.
I mean, what are feminine and masculine anyway?

For the most part, to me, they feel like cultural constructs and stereotypes.
I really don't care which pronouns people use to address me.
I mean, I've been referred to as she/her for all my life (and I'm a Gen-Xer).
I didn't even realize there are other options until a few years ago.

The only time my gender-fluidity becomes an issue is when people,
Usually men,
But sometimes women,
Expect me to behave a certain way,
Or try to box me into a certain stereotype based on the genitalia of the body I inhabit.

That becomes frustrating at times.
Like the assumption that because you inhabit a female body, you must enjoy shopping, makeup, jewelry, or the color pink.
Or that you're incapable of reading a map, assembling a piece of furniture, fixing an appliance, or building a fire.
Even when I identified as a woman,
This kind of crap was frustrating.

If I could change anything about my body,
Would I?
Downstairs, no.
Upstairs, yes.
I wish my chest were smaller,
A lot smaller.
Not completely flat,
But like an A cup,
Surgery's expensive tho.
I'd also like to drop 40-50 pounds,
And keep it off.
That's the tricky part.
It'd be doable if I can stop the emotional eating,
Which has been a problem for me lately.
I should also exercise more.
More importantly,
I think I should love myself more.

I tried coming out on social media a few years ago, on Facebook.
It didn't go so well.
Someone asked a few awkward questions, which I awkwardly answered.
Someone said we're all human beings and we should stop labeling ourselves.
Someone became highly offended and unfriended me after leaving a nasty comment.
So I deleted the post,
And didn't post anything else for a long time.

So I'm going to come out on Steemit! and see what happens...

Me, on the train home after a windy day out and about.
(P.S. Yes, I'm on MeWe too. Been trying out different platforms because I want to migrate away from Facebook.)