Yes, I understand you. I had to learn to stop fighting reality and come to some form of acceptance of it. I studied a lot from Krishnamurti, Osho, Jung, and other similar thinkers and philosophers. Slowly I have come to a point of "peace" with what is, instead of looking over my shoulder for more punishment from life!

Ironically it has only been through this process of accepting the reality of death (whether today or in 50 years) that I have found myself more in the present where life actually resides.

Thank you for your thoughtful comment.