When My Ex-Boyfriend Put His Hands On Me, I Finally Learned To Love Myself

I remember vividly. As a matter of fact, it has turned into a tattoo, inked upon me forever. I can hardly remember what I had to eat for dinner yesterday, but this night has become immortal.

Some memories never seem to evaporate, do they? Before I get into the details of this surreal night, I want to provide a backstory that will set the tone. You wouldn’t really get it if I just jumped into the juiciness without a little foundation, would you? I will call my ex Dominic for our purposes, keeping his identity anonymous.

I met Dominic when I was a vulnerable, rather innocent freshman in college. I had just recently recovered from a two year battle with anorexia, thankfully making it out alive. I was literally fragile, a moving target for anything monstrous and abusive to tip me over and break me. Both literally and figuratively.

Still weighing in at about ninety-five pounds, I was making my way around campus with a great deal of apprehension. My university was huge and overwhelming, while I was ever so small and scared. I had no clue what my college experience would entail, feeling out of place from the very get-go. And my self-worth was as elusive as the moon.

Dominic may have sniffed out all of my vulnerability from the minute I enrolled because it was in the first week that we collided. Call it fate, but I would choose intentional trickery instead. He had found the perfect victim.

In an effort to fit into the happy-go-lucky college girl image, I swiveled my tiny, brittle hips from side to side in a dance club right down the street from my dormitory. Even taking a few shots of tequila, emulating all the other enchanting girls around me. This was during the welcome week festivities, might I add.

Could you blame me for trying to have fun, especially after attempting to live on granola bars for the past two years?

I noticed his eyes from afar, feeling like a real life dartboard, with his eyes being the darts. He had me intrigued from the start, slyly walking over to me in a dreamy, seductive fashion. The way he looked me in the eyes gave me the chills, yet I was so curious to know more about this mysterious man. Ignoring my gut intuition that screamed at me to run, I proceeded to dive deep into the stormy waters that Dominic had laid out before me.

What was the worst that could happened? It was college after all and time for a fresh start, away from the grip of anorexia and mental demons galore. Long story short, the two of us became inseparable from that very night.

He had me in his spell, essentially hypnotizing me from our first moments together and I was not objecting to his manipulative mastery. In fact, I was loving the attention and boy was he a calculated charmer. Unlike the rest of the drunken, seemingly immature college boys around campus, Dominic separated himself from the majority. He exuded worldliness and intellect that captivated me and he had this way with words that left me breathless.
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Moving poetry left his lips and I had become addicted to our deep, meaningful conversations. And I can’t forget to mention the rush that overtook me anytime he was around. I lost my own instincts along the way, leaving the red flags to wash over me until they no longer mattered. Our whole relationship became one giant red flag, but I was too blind to see the truth.

Dominic and I formed a dynamic that was centered around deceit, denial, and distress. Being the self-conscious, visibly passive girl that I was, he knew that I wouldn’t question his motives. It wasn’t long before he exhibited his true colors, which were nothing like I had imagined. They were a living nightmare to say the least.

Abusive personalities do not just show up out of thin air and this was the case with my relationship as well. It wasn’t like my boyfriend suddenly woke up one morning and chose the path of a narcissistic abuser. That is not how it works, my friends. Abusive individuals such as my ex boyfriend simply know how to create a pleasant facade for the mere sake of attracting their prospects. They can then proceed to showcase their predatory selves when the coast is clear and they have already established enough bondage with their partners.

Once Dominic realized that he had me sucked into his vortex, he started to become comfortable being his controlling, highly disturbed self.

He lied as if his life depended on it and belittled me in ways that cut deep, essentially creating this domineering reign over me. He made it seem as though I needed him for mere survival purposes and somehow managed to break me down so much that I depended on him to put me back together. Crazy I know! It is so incredibly strange to think about now that I am reflecting upon my past.

Dominic was my all-knowing master, while I had been reduced to his humble servant. My self-worth had been crushed down to the lowest degree and I lost every grain of my confidence with each of our chilled encounters.

There reached a point in which he could cheat on me in front of my own eyes and throw the blame over in my direction. I had no right to question him or I would be met with an outpouring of aggression. And his jealousy led to countless fights in which I was always the one to apologize, even though I knew I wasn’t in the wrong. I was terrified of what would happened to my life if I let Dominic go, truly fearing that he had the cold-blooded brutality to inflict harm upon me if I ever left. And I even believed him when he claimed he loved me, even though his actions proved otherwise.

There was actually one specific night in which we weren’t on speaking terms and I had gathered enough courage to speak out against him, calling him out on his verbal and emotional abuse. I deserved better, right?

He then proceeded to show up at my door with a bouquet of beautiful roses, requesting that I accompany him to dinner. Although I promised both myself and my beloved friends that I was done with my psycho boyfriend for good, I was at a loss for words when he was towering above me that night. The word no left my vocabulary and I was right back where he wanted me, naked and afraid.
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I proceeded to walk down the stairs behind him, with an overwhelming influx of uneasiness characterizing my inner world. I tried masking my sheer trepidation with a forced smile before being escorted into the passenger side of his car. There was something particularly dark about this night and I knew that there was much more to the near future than a shared meal between two lovers. Who was I kidding? But I couldn’t turn back now, having placed myself in his full control.

He loved it when I sold myself to him, rendering myself powerless in the process. We went along for a ride in what was meant to lead us towards a restaurant, but the car didn’t stop moving for hours. Dominic locked the doors, driving at full speed on the freeway and I was as helpless as a prisoner on death row. Having forgotten my cell-phone at home, I had no way of notifying anyone about my whereabouts or the nature of my dilemma, which left me gulping for air. Eventually, after what seemed like a lifetime of driving, Dominic stopped the car in a rather isolated parking lot.