Sup Steemit, Check out my Detroit Crypto-empire.

Sup steemit, I see lottsa folks introducing themselves here, so I figure I might as well too.  You can call me Lil'Bit, professional Crypto-Kingpin of the beautiful city of Detroit, USA.  It has been 3 months since I quit my job in a burning department store on the lower east side and took up mining steem and posting on steemit as my one source of income.  It has been an amazing  ride, let me tell you. I started with nothing in my pockets and through hard work, slaving away at a keyboard for hundreds of hours a day, I made it to where I am. Let me show you what some hard work can do. 

This is my home, which I bought ENTIRELY with profits from my steem posts

At nights, when the river catches fire, the view from the third story hole in the wall is spectacular. 

After dropping a cold 5 dollars on this sweet crib I spend the rest of my initial profits on expansion. I was making upwards of 10 dollars A WEEK on this site, more than enough to comfortably retire on, but I wanted more. I wanted to see how far I could go.  So a bought myself some high quality office space downtown and set up my techno-mine shaft.  By my reckoning we have 34 and a half computers here, plus 12 dot matrix printers, which have gotta be adding to my steem power via some kind of firewall HTTP darknet interaction. 

Once the larger rats had been evicted I started staffing the place. I made a commitment to only hire locals, kids living in the squalor of the middle class. I wanted to raise them up, show them that if they worked hard and put their mind to it that nothing was out of their grasp.  Some day, if they pounded the internet money hole with the same grimly turgid determination that I did, they might be able to live in an abandoned tenement house or even a rusted out cargo container in a derelict train yard.  The look on their face when they realize their own potential means more to me than any money they can get for me. But I do still take the money. 

Two of my best employees. 

Once I had the office set up and running autonomously I figured it was time to take a vacation. After all, I had replaced most of my blood with modem fluid in order to better interface with the steemverse. I was making upwards of 25 cents a day now, with a whole slew  of workers each making their own profits that I took a cut of. It was time to relax. I decided that I would tour only the most beautiful and culturally rich places, getting plenty of inspiration for my future posts.  I had never left detroit and I was anxious to see what the rest of the world had in store.  

My first stop was Sesena, Spain 

The first thing I noticed about it was the air. It had this wonderful acrid, chewy quality, something like the chemical fires we got back home but much thicker and fuller bodied. You could really taste the carcinogens.  I found a wonderful B&B in an old truck tire, complete with a view of the fire AND a dead rat floating in stagnant rain water! 

Locally sourced, non-gmo, and gluten free. Just like nature intended.

The next leg of my journey was an unexpected one.  After passing out from having perhaps a few too many good lungfuls of the local air, I awoke in a cargo container filled with old clothing. I believe the country I ended up in was Nigeria, but I couldn't tell you for sure.  After bribing customs with some steem (and several hours explaining what steem was) I made it out into the country proper. I wandered some pretty nice slums before coming across the crowning jewel of the place;  the butchery area of an open air market in Port Harcourt. 

 

 The smell, oh the smell. That's one thing my hometown always lacked; for all its trash fires and homeless people defecating in alleys, Detroit still had a mostly clean and unsophisticated bouquet. But this place, oh my friends you cannot imagine. The smell of  fresh blood mingling with damp soil and forming clotted mud, BO from thousands of men sweating under the noonday sun, and the grassy reek of animal feces all blending together. It is something that simply must be experienced to be understood.  After some casual wandering and giddy splashing through the offal gutters, I bought some local food. 

A whole goat, cooked in a dirty oil barrel over a burning tire. Bliss.

Some people might shy away from eating an entire animal carcass cooked by a man using a sharpened piece of car bumper as a knife.  But not me! I didn't get to where I am by playing it safe and avoiding risks! Just as with steem, in dove into this opportunity head first. And just as with steem, my willingness to try new things paid immediate dividends when I contracted a very rare, very exclusive form of parasitic worm. 

You may have a Rolex but is your frontal cortex host to a parasitic worm hive? I think not. 

With my new traveling companions, and a strange desire to consume copious amounts of uncooked meat, I left the scenic port towns of Africa and headed back towards north America. On the way, however, I decided to stop by one last place:  Juarez!

Unfortunately I can't tell you much about my time in Juarez due to a pending court case and a non-disclosure agreement. Apparently the age of consent does not cover cannibalism; you live and you learn. Rather than focusing on that negative aspect of the trip, I like to focus on the positive. During one of my south of the border activities which must remain unspoken of, I met my soul mate. It was love at first sight. 

When I first talked to her my heart was beating a so fast! I'm not sure if it was nerves or blood loss from the hollow point round she put into my thigh. We hit it off almost immediately and before I knew it she had dumped me into her trunk and was smuggling me back over the border. Back home. 

Things have been crazy these last few months. I've made nearly 100 dollars from steem now, I've met a wonderful woman who keeps me in her basement chained to the water heater, and the worms have begun to share the meat based secrets of the universe with me.  I am so blessed to be 85% alive, so lucky to have found this place. 

Thank you steemit. Sincerely, Lil'Bit. 

XOXOXOXO

#satire