4 WEEKS, 400 FOLLOWERS. ANYONE CAN STEEMIT (PART 2)

Thanks for following my story so far. If you missed the first part, go back and fill yourself in - otherwise, you're missing some key pieces: https://steemit.com/introduce/@bi5h0p/3-weeks-300-followers-anyone-can-steemit-part-1

And so, there I was: Sentenced to 60-years in Oregon State Hospital. My present "diagnosis" was: Sadism. Wait, WHAT?!?! Yes, Sadism. Here's the definition of that particular disorder:

Definition of sadism
1: the derivation of sexual gratification from the infliction of physical pain or humiliation on another person — compare masochism, sadomasochism
2:
a : delight in cruelty
b : excessive cruelty

Also, there was some disagreement, but there was also a finding that there was a "high degree of likelihood" that I also suffered from "Bipolar Disorder."

Now, people get all hung up and tangled up in the web of what we know as modern day Psychiatry - but its' pretty safe to say that important people - who know about these kinds of things - had all come to the agreement that I was one pretty messed-up individual. Doctors, Judges, Lawyers, Investigators, Police, Prosecutors, etc.

While I, personally, determined in my own mind that I was never going to allow myself to be defined by one single act, or crime, or bat-$#!t crazy night - that never stopped Oregon State Hospital, or the Oregon Psychiatric Security Review Board, from seeing me as "Public Enemy #1," or something quite close to that. And herein lies the KEY to my ultimate recovery: I DECIDED. I MADE A CHOICE. I TOOK RESPONSIBILTY.

After all of the evaluations, society at large had determined to lock me up & throw away the key. I just couldn't come to terms, in my own mind, that this was my fate. I would not stay in the state hospital until I was 80-years-old. So, what did I have to do? I had no idea...

Escape? While it WAS possible to escape, with years of planning, scheming, lying, etc. I determined that I did not desire to live my life "on the run." The odds of escaping were actually fairly good for an intelligent person. However, staying free... well, that was another thing altogether. Besides, what's the good of escaping from a prison if you've still got all of the same problems and character defects as you did when you got put in there to begin with? I wasn't interested - the odds of long-term success were absolutely dismal. I realized that my own mind & my own behavior had created my own prison to begin with. So, there was no point in trying to escape from my situation - I was my situation. It wasn't my surroundings, my environment, my genetics, it wasn't someone else's fault, it wasn't society's fault, it wasn't my parents fault, and it wasn't "God's fault" - it was MY FAULT.

Nevermind that ultimately, some even smarter people, with even more letters behind their names, came along at a later date in time & totally blew my original diagnosis out of the water - I had to deal with my current reality. The reality was actually pretty simple:

1. I had completely blown it. My life, my reputation, and everything up to this point in time meant one thing: I didn't know how, "to do it right." Whatever I was thinking, whatever I was doing - it was all wrong. I was all wrong. I didn't know how to think or behave in a way that merited my continued participation in the community. Hence, my right to freedom was taken away from me. Bummer.

2. Something was definitely wrong with my brain. Some people call it, "metal illnes," others call it a, "behavioral disorder," and still, others just say you're, "crazy." Whatever the case, there exists a mulit-billion-dollar industry who has a pill for that.

3. Take a person with a bit of, "criminality," a behavioral problem, or a defect of character - then combine that with a physical disorder of the brain. Now, you have a completely new & different monster. They were flying in, "experts," from Florida - all over the country - and they gave me a label: "Serial Killer - who hasn't quite evolved into one just yet." Bottom line (and pardon my French here), I was F^@#3D.

HEAL??? Was it even possible, in my case? I had more than a few detractors. Actually, nobody around me gave me even the slightest hint of a postitive outcome. It's a pretty good thing I was angry enough not to care.

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It's late. Today's my birthday (I'm 44!). And, I'm just a tad tipsy - it makes it slightly easier to, "bare my soul." Please follow me for the next part of this story - it does get better.