Anxious days // Unable to decide

Well it’s been a while since I did an honest post on Steemit. I made a commitment a while ago to try and write positive stuff, to not show my ego around so much and just to share things that could be helpful.

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But sometimes it feels empty to act as such a machine. Like you just switched on a program and your only quest in life is to fulfil the demands of the code. The truth is not all is positive and not all can be classified as useful information. Some things are just sad and not all attempts end up in victories.

Right now I’m going through times of great indecision. In a month I will have to hand over the house I’m renting and I have so many interesting options that I just can’t pick one. This has been affecting my creativity and draining my energy big time, sending me into a spiral of anxiety.

One of the options is to live in the countryside where a woman I befriended at job has offered me the rental of a room. She also gives me the option that if I don’t want to work in a paid job I can just stay at the farm and help out. It’s a great blessing to receive this proposal but at the same time I’m not entirely sure if I’m ready to enter someone else's life rhythm.

I’m also realizing I have a hard time trusting people. It seems to me that her intentions are of goodwill and innocent love but I can’t help thinking there might be a price that is secretly waiting to be paid. I know it’s paranoid of me to think this way and I’m trying to see things in a different manner.

These are the times I hate having read so much social theory and becoming so obsessed with power structures because I’m always thinking that social interaction is a sort of power display. And then, there's always the possibility that being cautious like that is wise.

I feel that right now what I would like the most is to have an immense amount of time for myself to breath, meditate and just be in the moment. I have found that one of the best ways to do this is to go walking without destination. I’ve done it before and it feels like the right time to do it again. What stops me is the fear of cold and hunger you sometimes experience on the streets.

There’s also the fear of that becoming my only solution for when things get hard and never being able to build anything during my time on Earth. I always have the conflict between needing absolute freedom and taking responsibility in the long run for once.

Part of me says: “why do you worry about the long run? You’re run isn’t even a 0.00000001% of Earth’s history. Yours will always be a short run, so be happy and be free NOW”. Another part of me says: “what you do today determines the tomorrow of everything that surrounds you so show some care and be patient”.

A third option is going back to my homeland where there is a patch of land my mother said I could use to live on. I would really love to do that but I hate being surrounded by people who dedicate themselves to live off raising cattle. If I do that it will be like a war where I’ll have to start building fences like crazy and have no money to buy tools for starting the project.

Working doesn’t seem much of an option. I just can’t find any purpose on grinding for the sake of living one more day in the “civilized” life. I’d rather have time to find out what I truly am and what I can really achieve without playing the 9 to 5 game.

My hope would be to keep blogging no matter what I do and stack up on SP without having to power down to pay bills or any of that. Maybe that would be a nice way to eventually achieve financial freedom without playing the 9 to 5 game.

I know I’m being really negative about everything, seeing the bad aspects of all possibilities, but I had to write this to clear my head and also allow myself this vulnerability.

Lately I’ve been just posting news and informative articles but I realize I had been hiding from showing myself in this state of fear and anxiety. Now that I write this I feel some relief and clarity seems to be coming back. I’m starting to feel human again.

There are times one can be very demanding of oneself. You just want to push forward, do everything right and have the best results, but let’s be honest, life would be no fun that way. It’s being able to find your way through the hard times that makes the good ones feel like a real reward.

Well if you read this far, thanks for baring with me and hope you are finding ways to deal with your own difficult moments. If you want to comment on which choice you would choose and why I’d be grateful, perhaps you can provide some insight I haven’t thought of. Till next time!