Today's Humour

quotes-haven (69)in #humour • 6 years ago

Do you suffer from Monday blues? Here are some jokes to help you laugh your blues away.

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke’s Hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied,
"Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."

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A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restaurant.
In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of without success.
The boy begins to turn blue. The desperate mother starts screaming for help.
A man gets up from a nearby table, and with astonishing tranquility, without saying a word, lowers the boy's pants and squeezes his testicles.
The boy yells and spits out the coin. The gentleman with the same tranquility returns to his table without a word.
Soon, the mother calms down and approaches the gentleman to thank him for saving her son's life.
She asks, "Sir, are you a doctor?"
"No, ma'am," comes the reply. "I'm an Assistant Commissioner of the Inland Revenue Authority. We are trained to squeeze everyone's balls to make them cough up the last penny."

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After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.”
“I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.
“Who’s going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
“Please slow down, Your Holiness!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, Dear God, I’m gonna lose my license – and my job!” moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
“So bust him,” says the Chief.
“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really big,” said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!”
“No, I mean really important,” said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?”
Cop: Bigger.
Chief: The Governor?
Cop: Bigger.
Chief: The President?
Cop: Bigger.
Chief: Well, who is it?
Cop: I think it’s God!
The Chief is stumped, “You been drinking, John?”
Cop: No Sir.
Chief: Then what makes you think it’s God?
Cop: He’s got the Pope as a chauffeur.