(IJCH) The Ancient Ritual: What the Hell went wrong? (Humor/Parody)

jaichai (61)in #humor • 6 years ago

(IJCH) The Ancient Ritual: What the Hell went wrong? (Humor/Parody)

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IJCH - Inside JaiChai's Head (Meaning: My Warped, Personal Opinions and Musings)

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From the Author:

Salutations.

I am JaiChai.

And if I haven't had the pleasure of meeting you before, I'm delighted to make your acquaintance now.

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I invite you to interact with everyone, learn, and have as much fun as possible!

For my returning online friends, "It's always great to see you again!"

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(IJCH) The Ancient Ritual: What the Hell went wrong?

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In spite of my meticulous adherence to The Ritual, I didn’t get a single thing that I asked for - the stamina of a sexual tyranosaurus, money for nothing, and my chicks for free, etc.

Maybe I missed something?

Is it possible that I did something out of order?

I’m pretty sure that I did everything correctly - in accordance with the strict, time honored traditions of The Ritual.

I spent countless hours and considerable sums of money to ensure that authenticity was preserved, not compromised in any way, shape or form.

I’m also certain that I chose the exact, genuine artifacts from the recommended, thoroughly verified, and reputable sources for the talismans required by The Ritual.

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Lastly, I painstakingly made sure that each one of the procedural steps was performed in the prescribe time and in the proper sequence.

So, again I ask, why the Hell didn’t it work? Why didn’t anything manifest?

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Let’s see.

Maybe my notes can tell me what I did wrong?

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...At the stroke of midnight and bathed in the glow of a full moon, I’m clothed in the outer garments of a Druid Religious High Priest - a ceremonial robe made from the fibers of a revered, 500 year old Banyan tree in India.

I am carefully outlining a circle, 5 ft. in diameter, with the rare white powder of crushed whale bones that was obtained from the reclusive tribe of Inuit Eskimos called the "Oonict-huhktuct" - translated: We can sell freakin’ anything to those dumb-ass foreigners!

Now I am bleeding a chicken that was freshly slaughtered by a local pygmy and marking two perpendicular lines within the sacred circle; forming a perfect "X" inside the circle.

I am now inhaling seven puffs of herbal smoke from my antique, American Indian peace-pipe and feeling my animal spirit entering my body and mind.

Completing this sacred, secret ritual, I disrobe.

Now I am dancing for the prescribed twenty-three minutes and twenty-three seconds around the perimeter of the circle and chanting the arcane, 3,000+ year old incantation - a dark-magic spell from the forbidden book of “Dire Straits” - clad only in a tight, red T-back thong - BUT, as required, worn backwards!

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As you can see (imagine), I did everything right, right?

So, I ask you.

What the Hell went wrong!?

By JaiChai

Really Appreciate You Stopping By.

Truly hope to see you again!

And if you liked my post, kindly Upvote, Comment, Follow, and ReSteem.

(This is a revised edition of: https://steemit.com/blog/@jaichai/ijch-the-ancient-ritual-what-the-hell-went-wrong-humor-parody and https://steemit.com/humor/@jaichai/the-ancient-ritual-what-the-hell-went-wrong)

About the Author

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Believing that school was too boring, he dropped out of High School early; only to earn an AA, BS and MBA in less than 4 years much later in life – while working full-time as a Navy/Marine Corps Medic.

In spite of a fear of heights and deep water, he performed high altitude, free-fall parachute jumps and hazardous diving ops in deep, open ocean water.

After 24 years of active duty, he retired in Asia.

Since then, he's been a full-time, single papa and actively pursuing his varied passions (Writing, Disruptive Technology, Computer Science and Cryptocurrency - plus more hobbies too boring or bizarre for most folk).

He lives on an island paradise with his teenage daughter, longtime girlfriend and three dogs.

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(More articles by JaiChai can be found on the Busy.org website. Use this link to visit Busy.org. Better yet, come join the Busy.org community!)