5 Ways to look 'busy' at work ...

in humor •  10 months ago

Work sucks ... everyone knows this.

Yes, I know, "but Dan, at least I have a job ...". Yes, you seem to. You have 2 jobs, perhaps 3 ... and your life is looking great, according to Jerome Powell and President Trump - both of whom agree the U.S. economy is doing GREAT!

So, since the "shadow of the economic crisis" is behind us, it's time to relax ... right? ... kick back ... it's all good my friends ... nothing to worry about. Now you can switch gears and watch those YOUTUBE videos of elephants attacking people ... like you used to - totally cool, no one will care, cuz the economy is doing so well ...

Yes ...

On the other hand, maybe shit isn't so cool and your job is not so secure. Maybe you don't have a lot of work to do, but you really don't want to work any ways - and you can't be caught for this! Nope! You need that pay-check, no matter how insulting it is.

You get paid, in all likelihood, 10-20% less than what you were making just a few years ago - so think of this as taking back some of those "points". The Federal Reserve says "inflation is good" - so think of this as "inflation", you are inflating the price of your labour the way that toilet paper manufacturers are decreasing the size of the toilet paper roll (same kind of thing - wake up).

But - you've got to keep up "appearances" and Uncle Dan has some advice for you:

Instead of trying to "work hard" to "get ahead", maximize the benefits of faux work, fakery, chicanery and other contraptions of deceit currently employed by the big guys like J.P. Morgan-Chase or Goldman-Sachs. Corporate America is now a cesspool of corruption, lies, abuse, cancer causing food, and general discord - why not sit this one out, while waiting for the collapse, and all-the-while protecting your income? They treat you like a dumb animal - so start acting like one!

Here are 5 ways to achieve this goal:

1. Email

We all get email. When you have nothing to do OR don't want to do anything, checking email is a great way to achieve this goal of looking busy. Open up a bunch of old emails ... scroll up and down through these old emails. No one's gonna notice. Just do this, periodically ... once or twice a half hour.

I'm sure you have a ton of old, archived, emails you can look at - or pretend to be looking at. It's a treasure trove!

2. Opening and Closing Documents

Take a look at those old documents you have copied to your local hard-drive. You can open up a couple ... the big, long, boring ones ... the ones that make your cubicle mate's eyes glaze over if they were to look over your shoulder at what you are doing (or not doing).

Try looking at some of those corporate training videos ... open up some of those crazy KPI reports in Excel ... the big scary ones about "productivity".

Open directories too ... the big boring folders with all the "Standard Operating Procedure" crap in them. That'll keep you looking like you are busy. There are LOTS of these scary looking directories on the share drive ... you know the one ... where all the ideas in the organization go to die.

3. Meetings

Ah meetings ... natures way of keeping stuff from getting done.

Instead of avoiding meetings - ATTEND! Don't be afraid! If they call on you for input, just say, "Gee ... I really think {insert female employee name here} has done great work, I think we need some more of her input". Make sure it's a woman you reference - that creates all sorts of culturally mediated force-fields (for your insularity).

Meetings are great way to kill 3-4 hours of your work day - and you can do this almost every day.

4. Check Email Again ...

So, go ahead and respond to some old emails. Start typing. Doesn't really matter what you say, as long as you don't push SEND.

You can easily spend a few hours pretending to write emails ...

Don't type too much or too fast - you don't want to get carpal-tunnel syndrome.

5. Did we talk about meetings?

You can schedule a meeting, and then pretend to be creating a Powerpoint presentation ... for the meeting. Invite people who love to talk. Provide an agenda - that's like throwing meat at lions.


This is great - I feel like we're really growing ... professionally I mean.

Just remember: we currently live in a world where the richest and most powerful simply get "bailed-out" for making catastrophically terrible mistakes ... so why should you suffer under that lopsided BS? Remember TARP-1, TARP-2, TWIST, QE1-3? (you know QE-4 is coming ... despite what the Federal Reserve says ...). In this world, you are a chump if you are not "clipping coins" like the rest - pretending to work is your way to "coin clip".

Of course - you need to do some work, but this is a bit like "game theory", consider the "Moth and the Butterfly".

There is a moth that looks a lot like the monarch butterfly. The monarch butterfly is poisonous, so if a bird eats a monarch it gets sick. The moth, however, looks like the monarch but is NOT poisonous. There is a point at which, a population-saturation point, where too many moths would make monarch-eating look good to the birds - so you can't have too many months ... and YOU can't spend too many days pretending to work. But, you could spend 2/5 days a week, pretending to work, and likely get away with it (science and maths says so).

This is reality - accept it, live it!


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