Chia seeds are EVIL
Chia seeds, we are told, are a superfood, a laxative, a blood thinner. But don't be fooled...
What they don't tell you is that these things are Evil.
During a previous and ill-thought-out 'health kick', I purchased a packet of these beasties. My experience included adding one tablespoon to a modified bread recipe, turning what ought to have been a delicious and spongy loaf into one of tongue scraping misery and gumline abuse.
This packet languished at the back of my cupboard, hiding. Not content with ruining my bread recipe, they waited, plotting their revenge.
Yesterday, I decided to make my usual raw egg smoothie but wanted to pep it up a bit with some vanilla extract. This was stored near the back of my cupboard.
Accidentally I dislodged the so-called resealable packet of chia seeds. These bastards went EVERYWHERE! Not a centimetre of my poor kitchen was spared. They landed in my egg smoothie (destroying it). No amount of blending took these fuckers out. I may as well have added a cup of gravel to my lovely smoothie. Needless to say, most of it had to be tipped down the sink.
The nightmare continues...
The nightmare was not over though. My hand-held vacuum was no match for these tiny demons. Their density is comparable only with that of a neutron star. I had to manually de-seed my kitchen, my coffee machine, the drawer beneath the cupboard, the spaces between my floor tiles and even my cleavage.
This may seem like nothing but there were casualties. Two sponges and an innocent microfibre cloth were irreparably damaged during the clean-up process. These micro-devils buried themselves into every spongy pore and bonded permanently with every microfibre loop.
Not only that, these creatures must have the ability to levitate and hide. They wait for the victim to be under the illusion they've contained the carnage and regained control over their environment.
This morning, a naïve and caffeine-deficient version of me entered the kitchen. As my eyes started to focus, I noticed an unsightly spattering. Here and there, these mocking bastards were blatantly hanging out on my kitchen worktop.
If you know what's good for you, please please please think twice before allowing them into your home. Be careful, friends.
You've been warned.
And will they sprout from cracks you missed, the kudzu could invade?
mwahaha... I think all crevices are clear. Well, I had a shower. Hope that worked :O
'No amount of blending took these fuckers out' - your writing is so poetic. Straight from the heart
Lol thanks @conradt
It's good to see you recognise the real gems in my art :P
Yeah this piece was brilliant !
I can just imagine the horror of having these fly around hahaha.... You should have swapped or tossed them when you had a chance! Who knows, maybe you would have super powers by now.
hahah I wish I had tossed them out after my first experience. Pesky things are still showing up!
You're pretty funny Anj. I love chia! Even in smoothies, the secret is grinding them first ;)
Aha! Grinding! They're in the bin now. I'm not taking any more chances with them :P
i like the added cleavage part, if you find any in your nether regions please update us!! :p
love,
eagle
Lol. Hahaha ok, but I'll spare youz the pics XD xxx
well, if i were into girls i might beg for some ... :p
Hahaha trust you, Eagle XD
xx
haahhaahh well ... gots to be honest :p
love
eagle
This is the typical result of your failure to read the chia seed handlers manual. I never leave home without it.
haha, that'll teach me for buying them from ALDI. They didn't include the handlers manual.
XD
I can't stop laughing! These Chia seeds are like gremlins. I wonder if those unfortunate people who purchased mail order "chia pets" during the 1980s experienced similar horrors.
Thanks Soo :D
Lol the Chia Pets. Here's a fun one:
Ahaha love this. @mrprofessor
Thanks @riverflows :P