Homesteading: A Lonely Affair

Being a homesteader is a bit of a lonely affair. Of all the things I have done in my life, this has alienated me more from common society, and people in general, than any other thing I have done.

The first factor is that as a homesteader, part of the INTENT of the whole thing is to remove your reliance on major parts of society. We don't want to buy poisoned food, for example, so we grow most of our own. We don't want to run to a service provider at the first hint of a problem, so we've become more self sufficient in terms of fixing our own stuff. We don't eat out, because we cannot get the quality of food (nor food preparation) that we get at home. We've become much smaller consumers, so our trips to the shopping malls are far and few between. Because we do not do these things, we miss out on the social benefits associated with them. You don't make a lot of friends when you're at home 99% of the time.

Another factor is that as a homesteader, you are removed from your previous life, and as such, can expect to lose contact with a great number of people from that old life. There is the old "out of sight, out of mind" explanation, which is absolutely valid. There is another factor, though, and that is the loss of shared experience. In your old life, if you were employed, you spent 1/3 of your time, or more, working with others on commonly shared goals (work tasks.) You had a team-based purpose. Moving to a homestead severs this tie .. you're no longer involved. You're on your own. And the people you worked with before, were friends with, are just not there (especially if you move!)

I have found that 90% of the people I tried to maintain contact with simply lost interest (or made no time) in maintaining a dialogue. I have found this with family, with friends .. more or less with everyone I know. Now, it IS possible that I am just an asshole, and am only finding out now .. so perhaps this experience is limited to me. I suspect not though, as I have read a number of anecdotes pertaining to this very subject and the message is clear. Homesteading can be lonely.

This was "heavy" for me, for a time, something that made me rather uncomfortable. It bothered me to see that all these people with whom I had had close relationships were no longer interested in maintaining them. What did I do? Am I just a bad guy? Why can't people take ten fucking minutes to drop me an email?

After a time, I laughed at myself for this perspective, seeing it for the weakness it is. It's all just math, really, and we each have to do our own. Time is the real currency of this world, and if people do not have any spare to spend, that's alright, that's the way it is. I even understand it, in large part, as the occasional responses I get have one commonality - excessive work. Everyone is absolutely focused on "the crazy time of year" or the "huge project", or some other thing. The thing is, it never, ever ends. Every time I talk to them, rarely as it is, that is ALWAYS the central focus. Work. Busy with work. "How are you doing?" "Oh, so busy with work!!" What's new? "Oh, work is just crazy."

Is this at all surprising? Work is one of the great cults of our modern world, and much is sacrificed on its altar. For those who wish to achieve decently high levels of success, everything must be sacrificed. Health. Relationships. Intellectual pursuits. Hobbies. Children. Time. Everything must play second fiddle to almighty work. And by default, most people are OK with it (because they have been taught to be OK with it, to strive for it, even!) It's necessary to live, right? With all THAT being sacrificed, is it any wonder why no one has time to pick up a phone or answer an email?

Another aspect to the isolation is the changing perspective one gets by living this lifestyle. I walk into a grocery store and I see poison. I see someone play with their i-phone, and I see child labour. I see people whip out a VISA and I see the support of exploitation, usury. Fast food? Animal torture. Microsoft? Spyware. Anything the government says? Demonstrable propaganda. The list goes on and on .. and on. Now that I no longer live with these things by default, I see them more and more for what they are. Because of these perspectives, I find that I have less and less in common with those that do not see -- and this is another source of homesteader isolation, at least in my case. What are you going to talk about when you actively stand against many of the things that the lives of others are entirely made up of?

Homesteading, directly and indirectly, can be a very solitary affair. If you are considering the life, make sure you consider this. Are you willing to give up a lot of what you knew, including friends and relationships? Are you ready to morph into someone who is largely incompatible with 98% of the rest of the world, and the people you know? Are you ready to be that lonely black sheep of the flock? Are you ready to be the dissenting voice? To stand for change? To be the odd man out? If the answer is yes, get to it.

And if you're in the life already, and struggling with the loneliness aspect, take heart! You are not alone. Many people are doing just what you're doing, and going through the exact same difficulties. It gets easier over time. The work you are doing to live naturally and change yourself is very, very valuable. It's hard BECAUSE it's the right thing. So don't fret. Roll up your sleeves and get back to doing whatever it is you're doing. Keep going. The rest will all take care of itself.