I sorta know that black hole called despair or in some cases such as yours depression I have been told by family members who delt with and still battle at times with it that I was going through it and though I did not beleave them at the time I just figured it was despair feeling defeated by the universe. I seen three doctors for an hour each and it turns out I could have been and still struggle with ptsd and I've never been in battle of any kind ( gus scare me but then a lot does.) I'm glad your still around for I'm sure you can help others a lot better if your here :)