My Anxiety and Depression Story

I am and have been homeschooled for two years. The reason behind me wanting to start online school at home was because of my anxiety. I got diagnosed with anxiety and depression in 2015. No one knew that I had been having anxiety attacks in the bathroom and in class at school everyday since I was 11 and in sixth grade. Middle school was a very, very bad time for me. All of the people in the halls would make me nervous and I never knew why. Or why whenever a teacher called my name my heart would race, my mind would get foggy, I would get dizzy, and I would almost start to cry.

My middle school orientation, I'll never forget that day because I ran out of the school when it was over and said I'm not going while sobbing. I of course had to go and so I did. I would do anything to get out of school. I'd call home almost once daily saying I have a headache or a stomach ache, I wasn't lying, I would make myself sick because of the anxiety. That was my whole sixth grade year pretty much, just calling home and always being scared.

Seventh grade is when it got really bad. I had an English teacher who loved for us to read out loud. Well every time I would read aloud I would be really quiet, red faced, and have watery eyes. I checked out of her class probably close to 50 times. I could be having a great day but that class always broke me. That's when I knew that something was wrong, but still I didn't tell anyone. My mom called the principal and she called me down to talk to her. I knew her because she was the same principal I'd had since 1st grade. She asked what was wrong and I of course lied and said that I had a problem reading aloud and that I had already gotten over it. My end of the day teacher saved me, every time I actually stayed for her class. I had my friends in the class with me and we always were doing fun things and even if we weren't the teacher would never make us do anything we didn't want to do. She will never know how much she meant to me.

Eighth grade was a bad year for me and my family. The beginning of school I would say my anxiety was controlling my life and the depression was slowly creeping in. I would sit in my room all day after school and not come out. I would beg not to go. It also didn't help that my best friend moved 300 miles away from me, but that's for another story.

By November 2015 I was missing a day of school a week almost and when I was there I was texting my mom to come get me. One day me and my mom were driving past the high school and I was scrolling through Facebook on my phone and I came across a picture.
That is when I realized what was going on. I eventually told my mom and she took me to the doctor. I was put on a medicene called Zoloft. It wasn't helping so they kept upping my dose. My mom wanted me to see a counselor and I refused. Why would I go and talk to someone about my anxiety, if I will just have an anxiety attack. I never told the doctors or my mom, but it really didn't help.

We had about 10 bomb threats that year. It's sad that I was more scared when I had to read aloud or be the center of attention, then I was when we could all die.

My first period teacher was another teacher that really helped me. It was a computer class and my friends were in there with me, also. She is another teacher that will never know what she meant to me. I think I only had about three or four anxiety attacks in her class and that was because she wanted us to do a presentation, I never did do it though. She of course had to take points off, but that for me was better then speaking to everyone.

In April 2015 my Aunt passed away from cancer and a stroke, among other things. I got called out of school during art, one of my favorite classes, and I knew something was going on because I didn't text my mom. I couldn't even go to my locker because as soon as I saw my moms face I knew that it was my Aunt. I cried, I had panic attacks, and I got more depressed. My Aunt was my second mom, she was the one I would call if I needed something. I would always got to her house during the summer and if I didn't go to school while my parents worked. Her house is where I spent all my weekends at. I really couldn't believe that she was actually gone. I went back to school a week later. People said they were sorry and I just really didn't want to be there.

Two weeks later I got called out of class again. I didn't call or text so I knew again that something was wrong. My mom was crying and she just hugged me and rushed to the car. She drove to a fast food place and parked the car. That's when she told me her dad died. I could not believe it. I was never that close with him and I think that's what hurt the most. I just tried to be there for my mom. We had to drive to Baltimore, Maryland for his funeral, and I will say that I never want to go back.

Two weeks after that we got another call. It was from my moms Aunt. She told her that my other Aunt died. She was my moms oldest sister. My mom had to go and get her sons from work and tell them. She lived in Maryland with my Popaw who had just passed away and we couldn't afford to go back to Maryland. My moms friend went to Maryland and brought my Aunt down here, he was a funeral director I should mention.

Then in another week or so, my Uncle passed away. He died by suicide and he just wanted to get back to my moms other sister who had passed two years before.

So as you can tell me and my family were beyond stressed. That summer my family all got together at a lake a couple hours from my house. We had people from Maryland and Georgia come. It was probably one of the best summers I've had in a long time.

Somewhere within the span of November 2015 to August 2016 I winged myself off of my medicene. Not a smart thing or a safe thing to do I know. I just thought that it didn't help so I wasn't going to take it.

My high school orientation was not as bad as my middle school one. I didn't run out crying, I just walked out dreading ever walking back in. I knew where all my classes were and everything I just hated the crowd. I started riding my friends dads bus. I would sit with her on the bus and walk in with her in the mornings. We would arrive early and I could see everybody walking in and it wasn't that bad. But when the bell rang my mornings went bad. All the kids would run for the door and I would almost get trampled. I would walk as fast as possible to my locker and my English class that I had first. My mornings after that were usually good.

It wasn't until Spanish that my anxiety would show its ugly head again. You have to talk out loud a lot in Spanish, mind you I didn't ask to take this class, I was forced. I hated that class with a passion. My teacher was a really nice lady, I probably would have liked her a lot more if she was teaching a different subject, one with less talking. I was in advanced math all through out middle and 9th grade, I would not make the best grades, but I always passed the big test at the end of the year.

May 2016 my baby cousin was born. Just two months after she was born her parents lost their two children. Their friend got them for probably two weeks and then we went to court and my mom got custody of Nevaeh and her older sister got placed in foster care. She is now adopted and is doing really great. Nevaeh is a blessing. She helps with my anxiety a lot.

When my mom got custody of her I asked her about homeschooling and she said yes. I had asked before and it was always no, but she needed help to raise her and I needed to get out of that school. I signed up for online classes and well that's a story for another day.

My mom got sick in May 2017. We had decided to move to Georgia to be closer to some of my family. It was only me, my mom, Nevaeh, and Bear my dog. My mom couldn't breath and was always using her inhaler. Me, my mom, my cousin, and little sister were cleaning a house, that was my moms and cousin job, and my mom got cut by glass. We rushed her to the ER and she got 9 stitches in her arm. A week later she was back in the hospital because she couldn't breath. They took out her stitches then admitted her. She had pneumonia that had been left untreated by her doctor in Tazewell and was septic. She stayed there for five days. I had Nevaeh every day she was in there. I was breaking out in hives because my anxiety was so bad. When she was released she came back to the house that my cousins and us were living in. In only two weeks things started to get bad. We all started fighting and eventually me, mom, Nevaeh, and Bear left. We loaded up a uHaul all by ourselves and came back to Virginia. We moved back into our old house and that's when mom got to go to a good doctor. She ran all kinds of test and finally they found out my mom had heart failure. They sent her to a heart doctor and they did a heart cath. The doctor said she has a 80 percent blockage in a small artery and a somewhat weak heart muscle. They couldn't stent the artery because my mom was aggitated. Mom couldn't do anything for a week so I had the baby. That week I realized all of what my mom does. She really is super women. My anxiety was high, but I got through it.

That brings us to now. I got sick about a month ago, I passed out in the kitchen floor. When I got up the next morning I was dizzy and shaking so my mom took me to the doctor. I had been working out a little, nothing to over the top, but I wasn't eating right. There was also some family troubles, also another story, so my anxiety was high. The doctor but me on Celexa. Eight days later I broke out in hives for three days, kicked my dog out of the bed because I thought that he was the cause, and ended up having to quit the medicene. Now I am back on Zoloft and I think it's helping.

I guess the moral of this story is to tell kids that they are not alone. I'm just one person, but I know that there are so many more that go through the same thing. It's also to tell parents that if your kid doesn't want to go to school there might be something wrong. Homeschooling I know is on an option for everyone, but I'm just saying what I did, and what worked for me.

I know that my anxiety and depression will be a life long battle. There will be good days and there will be bad days. I just have to keep fighting and find things that help. A big one I volunteering at Tazewell Arc a local animal rescue. I love dogs and when I'm there I don't really have to think of anything but the dogs. Another one is being active and playing with my little sister. Just find something that takes your mind of the things you're worrying about.

So, that's my story and I hope that it helps someone out there. I hope that everyone with anxiety and depression will find a way to cope with it and be happy. Thank you all for taking time out of your day and reading my story.