I recently watched the documentary "Robins Wish" and it was just amazing. I've always loved Robin and he'll always remain one of my all time favourite actors. He had a magnetic energy and I would have loved to of met him, as I'm sure lots of people would. It was lovely watching the documentary and listening to all the lovely things that were said about him, a wonderful tribute.

Life can be cruel and throw all sorts of curve balls and it's something I find myself quite aware of, especially as I work in a nursing home (which is why I've been a bit absent here). I'm constantly reminded of our own mortality and that anything can happen/change in a heartbeat. I've been working at the nursing home ten years this July, which I still can't believe! (I think change is needed soon). I have a great relationship with the staff and residents and as you can imagine, some of the conversations I've had have been extremely interesting and insightful, and like Robin Williams said, there's a lot of people to be grateful for!

This job has definitely helped me grow as a person, I was extremely shy when I first started and always second guessed myself as to whether I was "doing it right". It took me the best part of a year to really come out of my shell and I was always paired up with the most experienced and outgoing members of staff in an attempt to encourage me to open up and gain confidence. I do believe it helped and now ten years have almost gone by! Madness. Another reminder that time is precious and we must make the most of it doing what brings us the most joy.

Our experiences shape us and I believe, for me, my life experiences were the reason as to why I was so shy and lacked self belief. I guess, even to this day, I still struggle with those things at times as I'm sure we all do at some point. On the flip side, I do think I'm quite resilient, though I do "feel", big time, and by this I mean that I'm very aware of my feelings which is a very positive thing, though can be challenging. This sounds a bit silly, but recently I had a couple of experiences at work that made me feel a little angry, and I guess almost betrayed. The thing is, the majority of the time I just prefer to let it go over my head and not make it known that actually, I'M NOT OK with what just went down. I didn't want to cause any problems and so I didn't say anything in the moment of it happening... perhaps that's something I should work on myself lol. It just felt petty I suppose. I may as well just explain what happened to give this a bit of substance lol.

I was working with a lady and because of back problems I've been having for quite a long time, the management decided it was best for me not to use a piece of equipment that we call a slide sheet (you are probably aware of what those are) to avoid any chances of me causing an injury to myself. This is ok with me because quite frankly, I'd prefer to minimise any potential problems. Anyway, this has been the case for at least 2 years now so all the staff are aware, and so when it comes to the time of repositioning those that need it by using the slide sheet, I would help place them on it and then just get someone to come in and they would just position them with my partner (it does not take long at all, a minute at most) and then I would carry on from there and the other person that came in to do it would return to there duties. On this particular occasion, the resident actually asked me why I could not slide him up the bed and so I was honest and said that I had back problems, the lady that had come in to help (a senior carer) practically stormed out the room and rather rudely said "yeah, you and me both". It doesn't sound like much I know, but I could literally *feel* her sarcastic demeanor. I didn't appreciate this and I just instinctively took a deep breath and exhaled (probably a bit too loudly lol!). The lady I was working with asked if I was ok and even she said that what had happened was totally uncalled for, I just replied with "I'm not saying anything" when what I really wanted to do is follow after her and have a conversation lol. We've all got our problems, and it's a lot easier if we all just learned to help each other instead of kicking each other!

A few days after that something else happened, this is the incident that made me feel like I was betrayed, and again, it was by a senior carer, and one that I least expected for something like this to happen. Again, it probably sounds daft but in the moment, I was ready to just walk out the building and just be done with it all lol, but, in good Lauren fashion... I just plodded along. It was a Thursday which is when we have our coffee mornings that start at 11am. We encourage as many residents as possible to attend as it's a nice social time, they have nice coffee, tea, cake etc, so we aim to get those up and take them to the dining room for it. On this day, a resident was due to be up and in the wheelchair ready for visitors that were coming in to visit by a certain time, however we were unaware of this.

When you start a shift, you all have a handover where any updates, information are passed onto you and there's an allocation that's drawn up by the senior carer in charge and it tells you where your working, who your working with, your break times, important information that we need to know etc. I always carry a little notebook in my pocket so I can jot these things down so I don't forget anything. Well there was no mention what so ever about this resident needing to be up at a certain time, and yet when myself and my partner came back from our break time, I was met with the senior carer in the corridor who was radiating a sense of urgency and told me about this resident that was supposed to be up and urged us to get there right away as the visitors were getting frustrated waiting. Without thinking I just apologised instantly, perhaps I had made a mistake and missed that piece of information on the allocation? The senior carer replied with "it's not just your fault, I'll be speaking with your partner about it as well", insinuating that we were the ones at fault. As I walked away to put my bag back in the locker, I pulled out my notebook to make sure I hadn't wrote it down, (which I had not wrote down) and I started thinking that nothing was mentioned in the handover and I was sure nothing was wrote on the allocation either. I met back with my partner and we headed to the resident to do what was asked. I spoke with my partner about it and she also had nothing wrote in her notebook nor saw/heard anything mentioned about it. It became obvious that the senior carer had forgotten to pass on this piece of information to us and was passing the buck and blamed us for it.

Again, this may sound silly, but it does grate on a person, it certainly did us. This time though, we reported it to management as why should we be responsible for something we were unaware of! It turned out that management had actually spoken to the senior carer prior to the rest of us starting shift that morning and told her about this resident having visitors and how she must be up and to make sure to pass on the message to us! So there was no dancing her way out of this one! Anyway, we were told they would deal with it and that she would be "spoken to", so that was the end of that. I just thought to myself, how childish! We're grown women and that's the sort of crap people are still trying to pull, seriously. I was glad to of finished my shift. In the moment I was very angered by what happened as I just felt let down I suppose. I do work hard and I give it my all when I'm there and that's how I was treated, it was like a kick in the teeth. But anyway, I guess people will always suprise you lol.

I guess I detailed slightly and obviously caught a case of verbal diarrhoea lol. I am quite a sensitive soul really, so perhaps I let this get to me more than I should have. A few months have passed now since this happened so I'm not feeling as emotional as I was in the beginning, and part of me feels a bit silly for how I felt in the moment but then I argue with myself and say actually, my feelings are absolutely valid. Internal battles hey... Lol. I should just "go with it" as Robin Williams says! That and to let go, I've heard a few people say that to me recently.

However, I realise that there's far greater problems than my nonsense that I've just rambled on about. Over the last few months things have been like a rollercoaster and so that's also why I've not been active here. I have a habit of disconnecting from things that bring me joy when my mind gets chaotic, and really, that's probably the BEST time to get creative!

To end positively, I am and will always be grateful for those I have in my life, for the lessons I have learnt and experiences I've had - that's what life's about!