Last night before going to sleep I was having a conversation that left me feeling a bit low, probably not the best time to have "those" conversations lol. Anyway, to cut a long story short, it made me realise (though I guess it's what I already knew) that most people in my life, to be frank, don't actually give a s#!t.

I could go literally (and this has been the case) months without hearing from those that, to my mind, should genuinely WANT to communicate with me and be present in my life and the ONLY reason I hear from those people is because I have reached out to them, sharing where I am/what I'm doing, hell, even what I've cooked for that evening (nothing extravagant lol). The response I get, or lack of, just reminds me time and time again that there's no real relationship with any of them. In fact, apart from literally 1 or 2 people, no one even knows me, not really. I know that sounds dramatic but it doesn't stop it from being true.

It's a hard pill to swallow, sometimes, but then I have to talk with myself (I do that a lot, easily done when no one else wants to lol). Anyway, as I was saying, I remind myself that the majority of these people are so absorbed in their own business and some are nothing more than "takers" anyway, that actually, it's best that I don't spend my energy feeling miserable at them for not wanting to be more active in my life, because those kinds of people do not resonate with my soul.

I try not to dwell on things, though sometimes it's like a punch to the stomach when sat with the reality of only a couple of people actually care and have the desire to be a part of my life. I have to ask myself, is this worth my time. The answer is always the same and so the "simple" thing to do would be to just stop focusing on it, right?! I suppose that's easier said than done. Funnily enough, I keep reading things on Facebook, those quotes that people share. A lot of them are about pouring more into oneself rather than into others, especially when it's not reciprocated. I think that is a very healthy thing to do, for your own well being. However I still, somehow manage to feel guilty if I've been lazy at keeping up with communication with some of these people, even though 99.9% of the time it's always me that initiates it! Again, somehow I'm overwhelmed with thoughts of "I should contact this person otherwise they'll think I don't care"... Utter madness! Why do we torture ourselves this way?!

I often wonder, and I have had this conversation with my partner a few times, mostly it's his question to me actually. The question is, what would happen if I were to stop reaching out to those other people in my life, how often would I hear from them, if at all. I did contemplate this, and still do at times, and I believe that I would not hear from them and then the cycle begins, as mentioned above!

When I do see these people, it's just surface level communication, no real interest, if there is then I'm certainly not picking it up. The look of total disengagement the majority of the time, not having much to say or even ask, maybe I'm just sensitive (I know I am, but to my mind that's a strength not a weakness). I never challenge them on it, "it is what it is" but I guess I'm reflecting on those moments since the conversation that was had last night. Perhaps I should focus more on my own self and those that actually give a rats arse, and not forge something that doesn't exist.