Parallel Landscapes of Trust
About two months ago I wrote a post about our dog and all his little personality quirks, which are mostly centred around his insecurities and fears. I was reminded of this again yesterday as we attempted to head out with him for a walk and once again he simply refused to go anywhere, so we gave up and just turned around, took him home and went for a walk ourselves.
I sat sorting through my recent photos yesterday and I was looking at some which I took of him and the surrounds down by the lagoon this last Thursday. We had not been there for a while because the only path which we knew of that enabled us to access the lagoon area was no longer accessible compliments of mother nature.
A logical (and somewhat delayed) phone call to my dad fixed that problem as he has been living out here a lot longer than us, so knew of a few more access paths. This stretch of lagoon is enormous and also meets with the ocean on the far left side.
It is an absolutely exquisite slice of landscape - almost completely untouched and you will be mostly alone if you go there for a walk - it is wonderful! So, with the newly discovered access points, we decided to go out for a walk.
It was the completely contrasting behaviour of our pooch on that day which got me thinking. As we arrived there and I took off his lead, he just went absolutely wild! There was no hesitation, no fear or refusal… nothing, just sheer happiness and elation!
Bouncing around all over the place, running as far as the eye could see, rubbing himself in every little bit of sand and scent he could find and just generally lapping up every little facet of the adventure! It was almost as if her were a completely different dog to the one which we have to deal with when walking on the residential roads around here.
I don’t really know what it is that changes for him. Whether it is the removal of all the things which possibly scare him - other people, cars, noises other dogs etc. or if it has something to do with us doing things as a complete pack… which we were not (again), when attempting to go walking around the neighbourhood.
Either way, it got me thinking about myself - as strange or unrelated as that may seem, lol! Even though we all know that Herbie has nothing to be afraid of when we take him for a walk… he clearly doesn’t and his adamancy proves it. In relation to myself - sometimes, my brain has conflicting opinion about a particular situation because my fears or insecurities sneak into the internal dialogue because knee jerk emotion showed up.
So even though I have enough logic to know that I am acting or reacting based upon a past experience or rooted fear… that does not really change anything about my behaviour in the present.
When you are so accustomed to being lied to or deceived, it can become difficult not to assume that it is going to happen again. The same can be said for abandonment. If this is something you have experienced in your life, then it is likely that you will develop a fear of it recurring. I have both of those problems and it really can hinder my ability to be rational at times, no matter how my brain might try.
In Herbie’s case - no amount of encouragement or coaxing toward the positive ever works. Once he has made up his mind - or, should I say… once his fears and insecurities have made up his mind for him, you can stand on your head - he is not going to give in.
I am happy to say that I am not quite as rigid, lol - though sometimes it does feel that way… but it does make me wonder about the baggage which roots itself within us so deeply that even though we may find ways of managing it more positively most of the time, I am no longer convinced that it ever leaves us entirely.
I want to believe that there must be a way to see things through completely to the “other side” but I definitely don’t know the way there myself.
It is a little confusing really, because if I take a slightly pragmatic approach to the problem and break apart the various aspects, I find that I don’t really understand the “why” of how it all works. As an example… If I look at someone who has hurt me in my past - like really hurt me emotionally… I can quite confidentally sit here and say that I feel nothing for that person. No anger, no bitterness, no resentment - nothing, yet the emotional scars of their actions toward me are still very much present.
So my brain asks the question - surely if I could manage to let go of the negative emotions I felt toward the individual who was the perpetrator, then I can let go of the insecurities and/or fears which that caused. It seems so simple, so logical - but it just isn’t, not for me anyway.
❤❤❤
Until next time...
Much Love from Country Bumpkinland, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
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I totally get both you and Herbie on this one!
And it tends to leave us with that very interesting predicament of understanding and knowing something on an intellectual level while not being able to feel it as well. There is absolutely nothing we can do, or so it seems, to bring the thought and the feeling into alignment.
I've tried to do the whole balancing left brain right brain to get over myself but it seems futile. There's just something about certain past traumas that leave a sort of emotional scar tissue that is all but impossible to get rid of. And it can become a bit tricky in relationships when we realize that we're holding somebody accountable for something another person did in the past.