Reflection: A Life Mostly Dedicated to Avoidance
Sitting here this evening, thinking about life — mostly because the rain is pouring down and I don't feel inclined to go out and get wet, walking the dog — I got to thinking about how much of my life has been dedicated to ”avoiding things.”
Truth is, I started avoiding things when I was a fairly small kid because I increasingly recognized that a lot of the things people around me described as ”fun” were actually painful or terrifying or both.
And even though I could understand that participation was typically what was expected of me, I avoided participation as much as possible.
Somehow, I took that tendency with me into adult life, which increasingly resulted in my becoming a bit of a recluse.
Pervasive avoidance is a strange thing. Or, at least, it can have a very strange effect on a life.
How so?
Well, I find myself looking back and large chunks of my body of experience seem remarkably empty… precisely because I ”avoided” participating in various things.
On the whole, I'm not sure that's necessarily a bad thing, although I do experience occasional moments of regret. On the other hand, what would really have been gained by forcing myself to be a participant in more things I didn't really want to be a participant in… simply for the sake of saying ”I'd done it,” even though I didn't enjoy it?
From where I'm sitting, it doesn't seem like much… and it doesn't really make sense.
I've heard it said that most humans choose to focus on one of two primary strategies in terms of how they approach life:
Either they run away from things they don't like, or they run towards things they want and like. Avoidance, quite clearly, fits pretty solidly in that first type.
But how do we become avoidant? Or is it more than psychology... is there also a biological component? In my case, I think there was a large element of having a lot of (disproportionately many) negative experiences with things I tried, so I grew quite wary.
If you get burned often enough, you eventually avoid fire completely, even if it can keep you warm.
Even in my fairly advanced state of life, I remain somewhat avoidant. Something has to look really promising before I have much interest.
I have slowly learned to accept that it is simply part of who I am.
Thanks for reading, and have a great weekend!
How about YOU? Where do you put your focus? Are you more likely to go TOWARDS things you want, or AWAY from things you don't want? Do leave a comment — share your experiences — be part of the conversation!
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Created at 20220506 23:40 PDT
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I have some friends like this, I try and push them to not avoid but then give up. There is also this anxious avoidant pattern in relationships too, have you looked at that ? The book attached is v good, it’s the similar ideas of one pushing towards things to stay in control and one pulling away. It’s normally a control mechanism.
It's definitely a very interesting phenomenon. I'm from nature's side extremely introverted (but not "shy," never really was) and my nervous system tends to be very highly... sensitive... to environmental stimulation. I experience a lot of "vigorous" things most people find stimulating and fun to be overwhelming and outright painful.
I've read "Attached;" definitely a good read on attachment styles, and understanding where they come from; I learned mostly from a disorganized/chaotic model, leading to extreme self-reliance as a teen and beyond.
In general, the avoidance I have dealt with has been more experiential/environmental than interpersonal; my friendships and relationships have mostly been pretty stable and long lasting.