Random Musings on Dependence and Independence

I was taught to be radically independent from a very young age. Or — if not directly independent — at least to be very self-reliant.

Whereas the above is definitely true, it also feels like a bit of an odd thing for me to say... in view of the fact that for much of my life prior to age 20 I was essentially micromanaged by my parents.

But when I refer to "independence" here, I refer to the fact that I was expected to know how to make a sandwich, how to find my own dinner, how to manage my own money, my own time, my own person and so forth from a very young age.

You might say that there were ways in which I was expected to not really be a child but to behave more like an adult. A small adult, perhaps, but an adult nonetheless.

It took me many years to unpack the great many psychological inconsistencies in my upbringing... quite a few of which led me to struggle in certain areas of life.

Having experienced a somewhat isolated childhood, it was almost slightly baffling to me when I left home at 18 — and eventually went on to university — to encounter so many people who openly chose to be very dependent on each other... almost like they were completely unable to move forward or make decisions, except as a "group expression."

I'll be the first to admit that it's certainly nice when somebody organizes my day or maybe makes travel arrangements... or something as simple as makes me food and or washes my clothes and I'm grateful for that, but I'm not one of those people who is going to sit and starve in a "rage disappointment" if these things aren't served up to me on a silver platter.

It's not like I'm entitled to them or anything!

I think one of the "values" I was raised with was the fact that there should be no "peripheral bullshit" attached to such things as getting food and going shopping and clothing and taking care of yourself and paying your bills... these are just things that need to be done and you shouldn't expect anybody to do them for you.

Since then, I've heard people tell me that "oh, you're just so detached and unemotional"... because I don't want to get enmeshed in their particular brand of dependent chaos.

Maybe that's harsh... but it also seems remarkably common, after a fashion.

I'll be the first to admit that my dating life at University was a bit "strange." My first serious dating attempts were with a 31-year old teaching assistant from New Zealand who was basically the first female I encountered on campus who didn't seem totally juvenile.

Again, maybe that was a bit harsh. Maybe I was looking in the wrong places...

Whatever my upbringing might have been, it seemed to be a kind of self-sorting mechanism in the sense that there were a large number of young university women who just had no idea what to do with somebody who was fully self-sufficient and didn't need some version of "a mother" in order to be able to function at age 20.

I guess we all have our own styles, and I came to recognize that one of the "hidden messages" within my particular upbringing was to "never impose yourself or be a burden to other people."

I just didn't realize that being self-sufficient would make so many people feel nervous and even uncomfortable.

As part of that whole "personal unpacking" business, it also became evident that it wasn't a matter of control, it was simply a matter of what made sense. Why ask someone else to do something I'm perfectly capable of doing, myself?

Of course, I have mellowed out a fair bit, with age! These days, I work more with an approach of inter dependence than anything.

Thanks for stopping by, and have a great rest of your week!

How about you? Do you consider yourself a very independent person? Or are you more into collective thinking? Leave a comment if you feel so inclined — share your experiences — be part of the conversation!

(All text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is ORIGINAL CONTENT, created expressly for this platform — Not posted elsewhere!)

Created at 2024.05.16 02:20 PDT
x774/2008