Oh my dear, you have poured your heart out and I can feel so much is stored within you, which some you do not want to confront and some you want to keep it buried deep within.
Never say you do not deserve to be loved. We all deserve love from others and self love as well. You need to start loving yourself first and you will feel the love of others around you also.
Life has been very tricky and nasty with you but you should not give up. Take those instances as your learnings and move ahead. It is ok if practical situations do not arise and you are learning from books, the good part is that you are learning be it in whatever way. If people keep seeing your faults then it is their problem not yours. You keep waling on your path with honesty and leave the rest to the Universe.
Have a wonderful day ahead