What hurts more?

Being beaten with a whip, iron stool, a leather dog leash, a dog's chain with a carabiner or the old fashioned leather belt with the buckle he pulls of his trousers as soon as my mother yells at him "don't you see what thát child..."
He never seems to see it but it always ends the same. To please her or to have peace of mind (his mind not mine) he hits me till the moment it's enough. I never hear him count but it's possible he watches the clock or his belt just ends on my back and bottom out of automatism. I though dad loved me but it's hard to tell. If dad is willing to punish me for not sitting still, for things I never did or said it can't be love. He doesn't love me. He pretends it's normal and never asks what I did, never refuses to hit me. I am not sure what hurts more. My mother uses the whip, her shoes with high heels, dogs' leashes and chains and my dad his belt. It's leather and dark brown and the buckle is silver coloured. A present from my mother just like the brown leather slippers he uses more on me as on his feet? I had it all, tried them all. The different leashes, chains, belts. It all hurts in a different way. It's good I can't see my back, what I look like. Still, if I am send to get my mother a dogleash I take the one with the chain. The heavier chain with the big carabiner. I know that one hurts more but it makes it harder for her to hit me with it. If she raises her arm and tries, misses the heavy chain and carabiner swings back at her with some luck right into her face. It happened before which means it can happen again.

Kid's diary - June 9, 2021

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