CONTEST!!! - DESCRIBE THE GAME OF SOCCER TO AN ALIEN FROM OUTER SPACE

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A TIME WITH MY ALIEN FRIEND, EOS
(Assuming I'm with my alien friend Eos, who in some way understands my language, and I understand his and we are about watching a soccer match which is totally new to him)

I'm gonna do this in a dialogue form if you don't mind.
So here we go!

(Kick Off)

Eos: I mean, this is pointless. You earthlings are hilarious and pathetic. Why would all these people waste their energies and time chasing after a ball? I mean, you gotta tell me something I don't know, yo.

Me: (a little shocked coz I thought aliens were supposed to know everything, ...you know) Eos, it's not completely pointless, I concur with you at some point but it's not totally pointless. Soccer is a beautiful game which brings togetherness amongst people. And the people who play them make a living out of that. For some, they make fortunes. It's entertaining too,....errrrm...yeah

Eos: oh really? Man's gotta make a living huh? Understandable....I don't really side with you about the "entertaining" part though, I don't find it amusing..so explain it to me, how does it work? Tell me everything, every detail ...

Me: (with a proud voice) Soccer is a game th.....

Eos: wait up.. why are you sounding like that, it's weird. By the way, how long has soccer been around here on earth?

Me: Come on Eos, I was about saying that. You need not interrupt me. Let's make it short for us both ok?

Eos: sure

Me: so yeah, ....where was I? Ahuh,
Soccer is a game that has been around since the 19th century.

Eos: 19th century, that's not long, is it?

Me: yeah sure, but I'm talking of official soccer here. You know, with the rules and all...

Eos: ok sure, move on.

Me: It's played by two groups of people. Eleven on each side.The ball is made by leather and other artificial stuff like plastic. It has about 70cm circumference....Do you see those rectangular posts with the nets? Those are the goalposts, once the ball crosses the line there, it's a goal provided there's no foul play whatsoever.

Eos: foul play, like what?

Me: oh God, we are watching the match, I'll show you when one happens.. but well, foul play like when there's an offside or handball or anything of that sort. You're just a newbie, you can't understand everything now, so can you please just stop interrupting and listen?

Eos: ok, I'm just curious

Me: .... alright, the one between the posts is called the goalkeeper, keeps the ball from scoring, obviously. He can catch the ball with his hand or any part of the body unlike the others who can only catch the ball when it's not in play or when there's a throw ball.... don't ask me what a throw ball is, you've seen that multiple times already.
Now, from the keeper, we move to the defenders. Based on the team's formation, a team can have 3, 4 or 5 defenders. You see this team has 4?( trying to show Eos on the TV screen)

Eos: oh yeah, it's just like going to war, you set a formation more suitable to defeat your enemy..

Me: exactly, you're brilliant. You're an alien, not surprising. So the defenders defend the ball from going near the post. They're mostly the tough ones in the team to struggle and take the ball from the opponents. Some fail miserably at their jobs and the ball ends up in the net, some even score themselves outta mistakes; others are good at what they do and they've made names for themselves. It runs across all the various positions on the field.

Eos: who's that guy, which side is he on? And those running on the lines?

Me: you mean the referees? The one on the pitch is the main middleman, the referee. He regulates the game. He makes sure rules are followed on the pitch and he makes final decisions on goals, offside and the rest. When there's a foul, he makes the final decision. He can give either a yellow card as a warning or a red card as a sending off command based on how bad a tackle was. It's not always about tackles though, sometimes players get abusive and all, you can't always understand uknw.
The other two with the flags are the linesmen ,they're the second referees, simply put. They assist the main referee to make his decisions firm. The one at the top takes the left side of the pitch, the one down takes care of the right side.
And there's a fourth who's job is to let new players come in by showing the numbers of players going on and coming out on an electronic board.

Eos: do the linesmen always end up taking the same stand as the main referee?

Me: oh nah, sometimes the referee will say this and the linesman will say different. All decisions soley depend on the main referee though.But there's VAR now. It helps to correct the many mistakes the referees might commit. It's a computer regulated by humans, it's more precise though. Are you sure you guys didn't give us that tech?

Eos: hell nah... why would I be asking if I knew anything about football. Hahaha... maybe we did, I don't really know...(laughing hysterically)
Hey, you said nothing about those in front...

Me: oh yup, the next after the defenders are the midfielders. It's all based on the formation of the team. I wanna ignore the numerous questions you'll ask if I start talking about the position numbers, so lemme just.....

Eos: you got position numbers?

Me: jeez dude, I'll explain that later. For your level, let's stick to this. The midfielders are the middlemen, they push the ball forward. They're mostly the skilled players in the team. They can dribble and pass accurately, create goal chances for strikers.

Eos: strikers? Why the hell do you call them strikers??

Me: bruh, I don't know ok.. probably they call them that because they're supposed to be literally striking the ball into the post or something!

Eos: come on, don't be mad at me. I'm just curious bro...(shrugging)

Me: so you know what the strikers do now, I'm not commenting on that.
Some players are really fast, so they play on the flanks, and outrun defenders to cross the ball for strikers.

Eos: cool...but uuurrmm..you've been talking about formations, who makes them? The players themselves?

Me: not really.. there are coaches in charge of that. Just like an army commander who draws formations to obliterate the enemy. The main one is the Manager. You see those behind the touch line, giving commands to the players? ,they're the managers.

Eos: sure thing.... what if the players get tired?

Me: there are reserve players sitting there. When a player gets injured or tired, he will be taken off for another to come on.
But number of substitutes are limited based on the league. You'll see that in the second half.

Eos: oh, so you have leagues huh?

Me: ..... yeeeaaahhh.. any other question?

Eos: I remember you talked about offside, what's that?

Me: (thinking of how to start) ...... uuurm.. it's when a player's body exceeds the last opponent in the opponent's half. It's quite difficult to explain but I hope there'll be an instance right now and I'll explain better.
And oh, it takes 90mins for the whole game. 45mins for each half. The referee can decide to add some little time when there's the need to.

Eos: oh and in this case he added 5, can you tell why?

Me: it's possible he did that because of the time the injured player wasted on the pitch..

Eos: understandable...

(First half over)
....
(Second half resumes)

Eos: hey, why have they switched sides?

Me: it's called fair play...figure it out... hahaha
Gggggooooaaaalll!!!!... that's what I'm talking about!!!

Eos: whoa, what the hell dude! You always do that when a team scores?

Me: no, that's my team,..Manchester United..

Eos: cool, and the other in blue??

Me: Manchester City..

Eos: are all the team names beginning with Manchester?

Me: God help me* ( murmuring to myself)... no, it's just what it is.. we've all played different teams. It's time to play ourselves.
After all the matches, teams get good money out of it, the winners get the biggest money, plus a trophy, yeah...

Eos: hahaha... wow.. amusing... what's the name of the scorer and what's that on his arm?

Me: who? Maguire? The band on his arm shows he's the captain on his team. The skipper, leader, you understand?

Eos: why him though?

Me: teams choose captains, sometimes based on their unique abilities in soccer, other times their leadership capabilities. In Maguire's case, he's just commanding, like the second coach when on the pitch. ...

(A player tackles the opponent recklessly)

Eos.. sure..... aaawwwww, that's an awful tackle
You sure the referee will let him still play? You can't just do that, wth

Me: it's gonna be a red for sure....... told you so! Hahahaha.. they are one man short. An advantage for us.

Eos: I think I'm a United fan. My ears have been tingling since they scored that goal..hahahah

Me: that's right bro! Welcome.. hey, you have any other questions?

Eos: not at the moment, no. I feel I understand that better now. But I'll let you know if I have a question. And I find it amusing now, ho!

Me: haha...ok man....but you also gotta tell me about your games when we are done.

Eos: no way dude! .. I don't like being interrogated like that..

Me: oh, but you like interrogating huh?

Eos: ......

Me: Dude!

Eos: sure sure, whatever! But please, just for like 20mins

Me: sure I don't mind.
Let's finish with this, almost done..(with a wide smile).

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many thanks to
@njaywan
@worldoffootball
@steemcurator01