RE: On Family History And Lifestyle Choices
Very well penned. Addiction runs in my family too, as well as abusive behaviors. Plus, I have a constellation of allergies. Your essay could be speaking directly from me. In fact, I have had virtually identical discussions with my own kin.
Among my immediate kin, the most prevalent addiction is smoking. Now, if you want to smoke in your house or car, fine. I happen to have allergic asthma (I actually have EIB and non-allergenic asthma too). Anyway, among my most virulent and most immediate triggers is cigarette smoke. Even if you don't smoke around me, if it's in your soft furnishings, it will bring on an asthmatic episode. And, if you smoke, it is in everything and every place you are. So, no… I cannot hang out in your house or carpool with you. It's not a judgment on you for smoking. It's just an attempt for me not to end up in the emergency room or be hospitalized AGAIN for respiratory distress. Before I formed my own household, with a complete moratorium on everything I'm allergic to, I had pneumonia more than a dozen times (including just days after I was born), had chronic bronchitis for two decades, and was hospitalized multiple times as a result. For these reasons, I don't go to the homes of family members who smoke.
[sigh] Speaking to my kin now: No, I'm not judging you for choosing to smoke. However, I cannot help feeling you have chosen cigarettes over me, and then judged me for choosing my actual life over your cigarettes.
Aw man, I had chronic bronchitis all through my 20s and it was awful, I empathize with that totally. I'm so sorry it's so easily set off for you.
I think for me something shifted regarding my immune system because in the same period I also had terrible seasonal allergies - I pretty much couldn't breathe through my nose for a few months out of the year. Eventually I found a few whack-a-mole fixes for both - if I got a shot of wheatgrass juice right when I felt the bronchitis starting up, and for the allergies, it was bee pollen - I could beat them back with a stick, but they were still always trying to flare up.
But then sometime in my 30s it all just stopped - at the same time that all my food allergies went completely off the charts and my vitiligo started spreading for the first time in my life (vitiligo is that thing where your immune system attacks the melanin in your skin and you end up with patches of no color at all). I haven't been sick, like, flu, cold, bronchitis sick - in years. It's like my immune system turned on its head. And I'm totally grateful for it because I would MUCH rather deal with a restrictive diet and pale spots than chronic bronchitis and 20 sneezes in a row. ;) Environmental allergens can still set me off, but not at ALL like that "well you're just not going to be able to breathe much this spring, good luck with that" that it used to be; it's a here and there, wildfire smoke or somebody's cologne kind of thing, and not a "the entire season of spring" kind of thing.
All that to say, I don't blame you at ALL for setting your boundaries to keep yourself safe, and your kin are jerks for not respecting that.
I'm glad your respiratory issues got better. But, I was born with compromised lungs (I was a preemie). As I wrote in my comments, I had pneumonia and was hospitalized within days of my birth. I also had rubella simultaneously. Worse though, is that – according to Duke University pulmonology specialists, I likely had asthma from birth that went undiagnosed until I was nearly 17. Then, when I went off to college, I lost all healthcare coverage under my dad and went without treatment for it until the ACA – all while my kin went right on puffing like smoke stacks. Of course, in those days, everyone who smoked did so wherever they pleased, anyone who couldn't be around it be damned. Seriously, back then, you couldn't walk into a public building anywhere without running the gauntlet of smokers crowded at the entrances – even at hospitals.
In fairness, though, I've always been rather sickly compared to the overwhelming majority of folks. I have a constellation of health issues. Unfortunately, when one issue flares up, it invariably seems to trigger the others like a cascade effect.
I also have scent triggers. My husband, who is Persian, adores perfume. When we first got together, he wanted to buy me perfume all the time. But, I couldn't wear it. He also likes scented candles and air fresheners, which I cannot tolerate. He was a "social smoker" and stopped all together for my benefit. He even stopped wearing cologne for me. Now, you may not be aware of it, but a Persian man giving up cologne is not just huge… It is HUGE!
HUGE ❤️